Thursday, November 10, 2005

Dear __________

Dear Mars, Incorporated,

Thank you so much for making mint M&Ms available for my consumption during the holiday season. Now could you please make them available throughout the year so I can stop stockpiling them in my freezer like a crazy person? I'll be moving that stockpile (what remains of it, anyway) to New York in June, and you know that looks weird. Help a girl out, won't you?


Dear New York & Company,

First of all, why did you change your name from Lerner to New York & Company? I still want to call you Lerner, and now I sound like all those old ladies I used to make fun of that called what was obviously a Ben Franklin store TG&Y because that's what it was before. Are you trying to make me old before my time?

Second, whatever your name is, I heart you very much. Where else can I go for vanity sizing and deep discount pricing? Nowhere, that's where! For $9.99 or less per item, you will be my main work wardrobe supplier. I love your prices first and foremost, and second? I wish I weren't so shallow, but putting on those pants that are the smallest size I ever buy and having them be a tiny bit loose made my day.

Hearts and flowers,

Dear iTunes,

Please stop taking all my money.

Gratefully yours,

Dear Starbucks,

Please stop taking all my money.

Sincerely yours,

Dear Phae,

I'm sorry about the suitcase. I didn't realize that the reason you were peeing on my bed was that you thought I was packing to leave. For crying out loud, cat, I just brought it home and I haven't put it away yet. Stop peeing on the bed or I will hose you down with Febreze.

But also thank you for curling up against my back last night because that was really warm and cozy and special.

That Girl Who Feeds and Pets You

Dear Eponine,

Hunting and eating spiders is your favorite thing in the world, and yet you let one get away and bite my neck, leaving a very unattractive red welt with a bright red dot in the center. Please patrol the bedroom, especially the area on and around the bed, a little more vigilantly in the future. Thank you and enjoy the spider snacks.

That Girl Who Keeps Stepping on You and Apologizing

Dear Camper Shoes,

I wish I'd found you sooner, and at the same time wish I'd never found you at all. You make the cutest shoes I've ever seen, and I'm certain that at some point in the future I will both love and curse you with the same fervency that I both love and curse the aforementioned iTunes and Starbucks.

Newly yours, but yours forever, I'm sure,

Dear Readers,

Are you still reading? I am impressed by your dedication. Now get up, stretch, and go get some fresh air or something. Autumn is beckoning; you should accept its invitation.

Most sincerely,


timsamoff said...

You're funny.

Aimee said...

Mary....too cute! You make me smile, lady! :) Love you and blessings on your day!

Anonymous said...

About those mint M&M's...I've looked for them and have been unable to locate them. Where might one find those delicious sounding treats??

marymuses said...

Tim and Aimee, I'm glad I can provide some amusement for you.

As for the mint M&Ms, Anonymous, I get mine at Target. They're with the holiday candies. They have holiday plain and peanut M&Ms, too, but who needs those? You can get those year round. I like to have at least 25 bags of the mint ones in my freezer by the time Christmas rolls around. (I really wish I were joking about that number, but sadly, I am not.)

Tina said...

25 LARGE bags? I guess you could just use frozen bags of mint M&M's for any injuries that may occur throughout the year. Also, do you ration bag every two weeks?? You are very serious about your mint M&M's. Impressive. If I had that much chocolate in my house it would be gone in like...2.9 seconds. Not kidding, either.

amy said...

25 bags isn't that bad, Mary. I stockpile cranberries. I get the strange trait from my dad, who stockpiles eggnog.

EB said...

You are quite possibly one of the funniest ladies I know in writing. Well, not that I know, because I don't know you except via your blog, but thanks for providing the smiles. And the snorts that result from trying not to laugh to loud at work.

marymuses said...

Yes, Tina, 25 LARGE bags. But actually, I think the M&Ms people refer to that size as medium. I try to ration them out, but who am I kidding? It's a miracle if they make it through July. Once I open a bag, it's gone within 48 hours, if not sooner. And that's if I'm not sharing. If I'm sharing, I think I might be able to rival your 2.9 seconds.

Amy, I'm so glad to know that there are other holiday food and beverage stockpilers out there. I totally get the cranberry thing, but I have to admit that I would never have thought of hoarding eggnog. Impressive.

EB, thanks! I take pleasure in finding the funny in life, and I'm glad to share it with others who will enjoy it.