Monday, January 16, 2006

New Year, Same Me, But Different

I've been reading everyone's posts for the new year, the ones in which they look back at what they accomplished and look forward to what they'd like for this year, and it's prompted me to do some thinking of my own. To be honest, there's a lot about the last year I'd like to forget. I won't relive those moments in print. But I will tell you that I've gained one thing, one thing that will sound so very Oprah that you might forget it's me talking, but I'm about to tell you the truth about the one thing I took away from 2005 that's been a long time coming.

I don't know when it happened, maybe it was a gradual turning, a slow stroll towards my destination, but one day I looked up at myself in the bathroom mirror and realized that somewhere along the way I'd gone and gotten beautiful. Maybe it's because I've learned to view myself in a softer light, or maybe it's that I've come to accept and enjoy the bits of softness around my edges, but I finally saw something there that I really like. And that's been the best thing for me, a soothing balm to the things that have gone wrong. I hope I never lose what I've so recently found.

As for the coming year, there are things I'd like to do, but I won't list them. Instead I'll tell you the things that really matter, things that are bigger (and hopefully better) than being a better west coast swing dancer or learning to embroider. What I'm looking for this year is a fuller understanding of natural timing. I'd like to be better at taking things as they come instead of rushing towards the end, skipping several chapters to read the last page. I might find out what happens in the end that way, but what happens in the middle is crucial to understanding the rest of the story; I would be terribly unwise to miss it on purpose. I'm going to try my best to let life proceed naturally, to stop pushing so hard on things that will come just fine on their own, in their own time. I'd love to wake up one morning in December and discover that I've somehow sunk into patience.

So there you have it. Here's to 2006, fair readers. I hope it finds you finding some of what you want and everything you need.


Dawn said...

That is an amazing lesson to learn, and also amazing for you to admit it! Good on you! For some reason, I get the impression from society that we are supposed to love ourselves, but don't ever say that you do. Maybe it's just me. Anyway, I have secretly had a crush on myself for a long time. My eyes linger over my image in pictures. I pause for a few extra minutes at the mirror. But I've been too afraid to admit it! I guess I've been outed.
Here's to being beautiful in 2006!

marymuses said...

I get that same impression, Dawn. I worried a bit while writing this post that I'd sound conceited. But it's not like that; it's not as if I'm holding an inappropriately lofty view of myself. I don't think there's anything wrong with finding someone beautiful in the mirror. What I've found is that, as I've learned to like who I am and what I look like and the body I've been given, I've started seeing more beauty in everyone else, too. I notice the little things that make others so breathtaking. So I say: Look a little longer in the mirror, gaze at your lovely self in pictures. There's nothing wrong with recognizing (and being grateful for) something that is a gift in the first place. I'm glad you've outed yourself here; I feel honored.

To being beautiful 2006, indeed. I'll raise a glass to that. (Especially if it's a bellini.)

keauxgeigh said...

OR it may be time to get your eyes checked even though you're too young to be developing cataracts. just kidding, from the looks of you in two dimensions, you must be the last to have come to that realization, I shouldn't wonder. and this, of course, is aside from the fabulous, Buffy-worthy New Years Eve hair.

amy said...

How very wise of you Mary. Did we read, "Captivating" at the same time? Because I realized the same thing this year too. But you put it in perfect words. As you so often do. :)

marymuses said...

Keauxgeigh, my hair is Buffy-worthy? Wow.

Amy, I only read part of Captivating, so I don't know that I can credit it entirely, though what I read was really good. It's always great to hear of another girl (woman? should I say woman? would you rather be a girl or a woman?) coming to this sort of realization. Good for you, Amy! Go forth and be beautiful...