Monday, February 06, 2006

What Is It With You Mayo People, Anyway?

All over the city I find jars of mayo in fridges. Am I attracted to mayo people by some strange pull? How does this happen? What trait is it that inspires both my enjoyment of your company and your enjoyment of mayo? Don't you have the good sense to enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip? Forgive me if I'm mistaken, but mayonnaise, flavor-wise, falls into the same category as Crisco. And you don't put Crisco on your sandwiches, do you? For the love of all that is tasty, just put some Miracle Whip in your fridge. I'm tired of nosing around your foodstuffs for an alternate spread.

...

The following conversation would not have occurred if I owned my own television:

"You know that now I'm going to have to come over next Sunday night to watch Grey's Anatomy."

"We already know that she's not going to blow up. They're going to--"

"Yes, but I want to know how she's doesn't blow up."

I also want to know what happens to Bailey's husband, though I didn't mention that at the time. There was an offer to record it if Sunday night viewing is not an option, which is great. Thanks! But now I'm wondering: Why wasn't there a similar offer to record Dr. 90210 when I expressed my burning desire to see the new episode? Is there something wrong with Dr. 90210?

Oh, wait. Don't answer that.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

they don't carry miracle whip at trader joe's, and that's where i generally shop. if they had it, i would totally buy it. i think it tastes lots better.

but still, i do like any kind of mayo. i know, i know, i'm weird.

<3 holly

Shepcat said...

As condiments go, I don't love mayonnaise the way I love, say, Chipotle Tabasco (which walks the fine line between condiment and beverage), but I've developed a greater appreciation for it over the years because, like bacon, butter and cheese, it has the potential to kill me someday, and I am drawn to those foodstuffs like a moth to the romantic blue glow of the zapper.

That said, I once wrote a torture scene in which a kidnapped hostage is forced at gunpoint to eat an entire jar of mayo with a spoon, thus empathizing with the whole "too much of a good thing" school of thought.

markbe said...

Mary, Mary, Mary... Grey's Anatomy? has lack of television made you lose your sense of televisual taste? don't get me wrong, i watched it- had to find out what a code black was, you know. and i'm a sucker for bad tv- once i've started watching a show i can't quit until it's over. but there is no way i'm going back next week. the writing was, well... i'll refrain from comment since i can't say much of anything nice. i know you can come up with a better ending about the bomb and bailey's husband yourself. it doesn'
t matter what the writers write-
Grey's world isn't real. real is the Star Wars universe, Middle Earth, Narnia, Battlestar Galactica. don't confuse fiction with reality.

cara said...

oh sure the writing sucks. whatever. i still watch it because i am a sap and i want to see what happens to the characters. meredith and dr. mcdreamy? george? c'mon, he is so teddy bear lovable. make fun of me if you must (my husband does), but i still will be watching next week.

and miracle whip all the way, mary! i get my mother-in-law to send me some over when i'm getting low as the french obviously have lower standards then we do in that department. they have all kinds of hybrid dijon mustard/mayonnaise kind of condiments. ick.

Dawn said...

Mary - I'm a in-the-closet fan of Dr. 90210 as well. I saw a recent preview where dr. whats-his-name, Ray?, his wife weighed herself and while FULLY CLOTHED barely made it to 88 pounds. And she's all, "I looked up the ideal weight for my height. It said 105 pounds. I don't believe it because they don't take into account body type or frame." Yeah, they also don't take into account NOT EATING.

There is something so addicting about that show. I have not, as of yet, seen Grey's Anatomy. Have you seen Prison Break? I can't wait until March 20th!

Shiz said...

Miracle Whip. We love it.

Tho, occasionally, mayo so rocks on a burger. It's tradition. But you need about a pound of ketchup on there too. Burgers should be gushy and get your fingers really really messy.

marymuses said...

It's okay if you're weird, Holly. You're in good company. :)

Shepcat, the scary thing is that I know someone who adds mayo to his sandwiches by the soup spoonful. I recoil in horror when I am witness to the act. EW.

Mark, I stand by my new love of Grey's Anatomy. I'm going to watch it, and I'm going to enjoy it, and YOU CAN'T STOP ME! (So there.)

Cara, I'm glad you'll be watching, too. We must stand firm in our decision to enjoy emotionally manipulative television.

Dawn, about Dr. Rey's wife? I KNOW. And she was wearing JEANS when she weighed herself. Also possibly a sweater. And she was 88 pounds--ACK!! ACK!! ACK!! We so totally need to watch the next episode so we can find out what happens. Will her Versace-wearing, streaked-hair husband convince her to eat? Will she succumb to the power of the funnel cake? WE MUST KNOW. (And no, I haven't watched Prison Break--do you think I should? I probably should. Okay, okay, twist my arm, I will.)

Shiz, I can do mayo on a burger because it's more about getting the ketchup to the right gooey consistency and it doesn't matter that it doesn't taste like anything. But on a sandwich? Um, NO.

Shiz said...

HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! YOUR GOOGLE BANNER AD IS FOR MAYO COMMUNICATIONS!

Awesome.

Shiz said...

Ok, and the Mayo site bites donkey butt, and apparently they're "award-winning" (Rolls eyes).