Saturday, June 20, 2009

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I'm having to make some tough decisions about work right now. Nothing will go into effect until autumn, but I think that it's good that I know the plan so that the family it will affect most will have time to make alternate arrangements. It's hard for me to leave a family behind without having some external reason like moving or a major injury or something; I always feel like they neeeeed me and I should beeeeeee there for their chilllllllldren. But I suppose that in the end, the reason is external. I may not be injured, but there are certainly signs that my current level of exertion as it pertains to work is not doing me any favors. I am tired nearly all the time. I don't get to do a great many things I want to do, and when I do them, I often feel rushed. I feel like crying quite a bit simply because I am overwhelmed with things to do.

I've taken on more work lately for a couple of reasons: first, because I am good at what I do, and there are families that really value that, which always feels good, and second, because of financial concerns. The first reason is valid, but the second is poppycock. I see very little difference in our finances as a whole now that I am working a great deal more. Because for us, the fact is that we save a lot of money when I have more time. We eat out less, I go to Starbucks less, and I do less impulse spending.

I am happy with the decision I've made, but it will be hard to tell a family that I love very much that I won't be able to be their primary childcare provider anymore. I look forward, though, to being more involved in their lives in other ways. I also look forward to continuing to pursue my work in ways I feel are the best use of my abilities. It is good to do something well and to enjoy it, and I very much look forward to having that feeling back. Now, I'll just have to figure out what to do with all that time I was spending complaining about being tired and stressed and overwhelmed.

Perhaps I'll take more naps.

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