Thursday, July 29, 2010

Pipe Down, Debbie Downer

I'm feeling a little Judgey McJudgerson today. How is that I run across all the "I wanted to send my kid back" confessional blog posts in one day? I'm all for honesty and helping others be prepared, but would it kill you to be a little more vague until there's time and distance and perspective to be had? Would it be so awful to approach people you trust in person to get the support you need when things get really, really hard? The internet is public, and boundaries are appropriate. Also, would it be the worst thing ever for you to take the view from the beginning that these are your kids forever, and there's simply no discussion of "sending them back" or the like? I mean, really. Even if you know you would never do it, mentioning it in a forum where people who know your kids or someday your actual kids themselves could find it seems a bit risky.

I booked our plane tickets today. I think I might be a little bit more sensitive than usual because of this. We are heading into this, and we are aware of the challenges that may present themselves, and it's really no mystery to us that it might be hard. That parts of it will be hard. She's three years old and speaks another language, and we have never met each other before. Her home is very different from our home. Do we really think it's going to be instant easy times? No, we do not. What we do think is that love is an action, that we are committed to being a family, that we will figure out what to do as difficulties arise. That's what families do.

Isn't it?

Well, anyway, we still have our sunshine and roses over here. I am pleased as punch that our daughter will come home during cooler months, as mix-n-match ensembles involving layers are my favorite. I've been laying out outfits on the nursery floor, and oh, man, my clearance shopping has landed us a lot of options. Most of the things I gravitate towards are in similar color schemes--we've got a lot of turquoise, fuschia, pink, purple, and brown--so there are a ton of things from various sources that go together beautifully. We may have to work hard at some things, but having our daughter look cute will not be one of them.

This is going to be FUN!


Liz said...

I don't think most people really understand just how hard it's going to be until they're in it...I know I didn't. I mean, I knew it would be hard, but I didn't know how it would be hard, if that makes sense. Maybe you've got a better idea of what you're in for because of your work, but I know that I was not at all as prepared as I thought I was for the hardness of it all.

The public/private thing is a fine line...I appreciate the bloggers who are honest about the non-rainbow-and-unicorns aspects of adoption, but of course you are right that you have to also think about who might potentially read those posts in the future. One of the many complicated aspects of adoption!

marymuses said...

Liz, that totally makes sense. And you are right that I may have a better sense of the difficulty ahead due to my work, but I also know that exactly what it will be like will remain a mystery until we get our particular child with her particular past and personality home.

Just to clarify, I'm not saying that people shouldn't be honest about it being hard,or that they shouldn't share some of their struggles, it's just that I've run across a TON of blogs very recently that hold nothing back, and while I think that can be valuable information for others going through the process, it might be better to share those things in a less public forum. I'm really touchy about protecting children since that is my job, and I am very conscious of how internet savvy kids are, and my concern is that adopted kids might come across some of these posts and wonder, "Does my parent feel the same way? And if so, what does that say about me?"

I know there's no perfect way to do this, and I do believe that the internet is a valuable means of finding support. I don't think that those who are posting their deepest, scariest feelings publicly are terrible people; I think they are in a tough spot, and it's hard in those situations to think beyond what one needs at that moment to be able to just make it through the day. And if someone else has confessed something similar and been supported through it, of course those lines blur even more. So it's a sticky topic for sure.

Jennifer said...

I'm mostly saying, still lovin ya.
1. 'take that, ancestors!' from the other post - laughing out loud, as they say, er, abbreviate.
2. mix match layers also my favourite.
3. giving back kids... mm.. never sat well with me either. time to zoom out and get some bigger
picture when you're feeling that way.
Not that I don't understand that the emotion can happen... your comments, Mary really hit the nail on the head to me and say it all, really.
I understand how you can feel like your head is exploding at times.

But YES, agreeing with you that _love action_ principle, is family!!
You go girl, making that family WORK - as in, working, the verb meaning to labor, and working, the adjective meaning seeing success.