Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The New Baseline

So I'm still working on my return to running. I started with a two mile out-and-back, moved up to three, and have progressed to four. I can run 3.5 miles without a problem and expect to do even better than that tomorrow night. I'm beginning to suspect that I could run a bit every day without the break day in between, but I don't want to push it. I want to slowly, steadily move forward. My goal as a baseline for usual mileage is five miles. Oh, and maybe working up to a ten mile run on a weekend morning. But I hate to say that last part out loud because what if it never happens? So I won't say anything if you won't say anything, and maybe by keeping quiet we can trick my body into actually getting that task done. Step one will be getting out of bed before everyone else. Tricky.

Related to the running is my desire to have my clothes fit. I have tried in earnest to appreciate and accept the body I have now, but the bottom line is that I have clothes that I like, and I had a body shape that I was accustomed to, and I want those things to be part of my life again. I don't know how to reconcile this to my desire to put body image in its place, but it is what it is, and I am willing to work a little harder workout-wise to be back where I was before. Because when your pants actually fit as a result of good habits, you don't obsess over your pants fitting or not. Or so I hope. I do think I've left behind the desire to be ever thinner, so at least that's some progress. And who knows, maybe if I were buying new clothes, I could just buy a size up and wouldn't care. But I'm not, so we'll just deal in reality, and I'll have extra incentive to put on my running shoes and meet the aforementioned goals (you know, the ones we're not talking about).

Run on, friends.

Monday, June 20, 2011

The Waiting Really is the Hardest Part

Recently the book club I'm in read The Sparrow. I'll spare you the details, since it would take forever to explain the book, but it did give me my new motto, in Latin, no less. Cunctando regitur mundus. Waiting, one conquers all.

My life, and our life as a family, has been all about waiting, especially since we began our adoption process. We got practiced at waiting...to get each piece of our paperwork...to get our fingerprints...to get our dossier authenticated...to see our daughter's face...to get more photos from other traveling families...to get our court date...to get to Ethiopia...to get our embassy date...to get through customs...etc. You get the idea. It made us practiced in the art of waiting. To some extent, it made it easier as time went by, but what I've discovered now is that I may be running out of patience for waiting. And yet, wait we must.

There's a new possibility right in front of us, one that would mean huge changes, and we have no idea if it will come through. It would involve a big move, figuring out what to do with our house since we have determined that we likely can't get out of it what we owe on it at this point, getting settled in a new place, and getting into a routine that will work for us as a family. These are all really good things, but no ball can start rolling on our end until we know something. If it doesn't work out, there are other balls that need to start rolling, mostly in terms of me bringing in a little bit of money for our family budget, because we are also waiting on our adoption tax credit. I get more tightly wound about our budget every day, but there's nothing I can do until I know the outcome of this possibility. And that really stinks. I feel like we're in financial limbo.

What I hope, quite honestly, is that everything happens at once. It feels like there is so much pressure in this bit of waiting that a dam might burst, and I do hope that it does. That we move as we get the tax credit as we get the house rented as we march our feet into IKEA to get a mattress that isn't third hand and is big enough for our growing family. You can laugh at that last part, but Zinashi still needs to sleep with us, and her astounding growth (seven inches of height since we took custody) has left us with a lot less room to sleep. Our current mattress is on its way out anyway, so we figured we'd just go king or go home, even if it takes up the whole of the master bedroom. We can put dressers in the hall.

So there it is. Life. On the upside, I am shuttling stuff we don't need out the door so fast that my head is spinning, and that feels incredibly good. The possibility of a very quick move will do that to you, and it is a marvelous thing to be so motivated. I'm going to head to our basement right this minute and do some more. I need something to be satisfying besides my second cup of coffee; I'm gonna just do it.