Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Two Months Gone, Still Rambling On

I meant to keep up this blog, but more and more my family life, which I write about on what was originally our adoption blog and what is now our family blog, bleeds into everything else. I have struggled a bit with this, with how to look at this time in my life, who I am and what I do and where everything fits. Life is not so easily compartmentalized, and the commitment to mother Zinashi has very much colored everything. I hear women talk about maintaining their sense of self outside of motherhood, whereas I feel that motherhood, particularly this route I've chosen, intertwines with everything else that makes up who I am. That I chose motherhood via adoption says something about me. That I choose to make raising my child my occupation at this time says something about me. And I don't think it makes me less of a woman or less myself because I have come to believe that this time of my life is to be set aside to be devoted to the healing of my children. I say children because we are in the (very slow) process of becoming parents to a second child. Zinashi has needed me in ways that it would be hard to accommodate if I were doing work other than that of a mother and homemaker, and I know that our next child will likely need the same thing, at least in the beginning. This is not to say that Zinashi rules the roost here, but that of the three of us, her needs are most pressing, and I respect that. Emotional trauma in children should not be treated differently than other illnesses. If a child contracts a disease and needs a parent present in a way that won't allow that parent to work, no one bats an eyelash. And to be fair, most people don't balk at my assertion that Zinashi's needs are such that one parent in our family needs to have parenthood be their main occupation. But some people do. And some people get defensive because they think I am saying that they should make similar accommodations for their child. But I'm just saying that Zinashi has needed this. I tried working a bit, and it didn't work out. That I might be able to do something that could be completed when she is sleeping is absolutely true, but I have not found that thing yet. So for now, my job is mothering and housekeeping and such, and I am trying hard not to have a problem with the fact that some people seem to have a problem with my choices.

So that's where my head and my life are these days. We are still in limbo regarding moving, and in even greater limbo than before, if that's even possible (and it is). Maybe when we are no longer in limbo, when we are settled and doing a home study again and I don't have to think about potentially packing boxes or potentially having someone else pack them for me, I can come up with a worthy hobby and make that part of my life. For now, though, I'll just settle for watching a lot of Felicity on Netflix streaming, crashing into bed, and getting up to coffee myself through another day of motherhood. I like life like this.

Well, except for the limbo.