marymuses.com

Two Months Gone, Still Rambling On

2011-11-08T17:04:00.000-05:00

I meant to keep up this blog, but more and more my family life, which I write about on what was originally our adoption blog and what is now our family blog, bleeds into everything else. I have struggled a bit with this, with how to look at this time in my life, who I am and what I do and where everything fits. Life is not so easily compartmentalized, and the commitment to mother Zinashi has very much colored everything. I hear women talk about maintaining their sense of self outside of motherhood, whereas I feel that motherhood, particularly this route I've chosen, intertwines with everything else that makes up who I am. That I chose motherhood via adoption says something about me. That I choose to make raising my child my occupation at this time says something about me. And I don't think it makes me less of a woman or less myself because I have come to believe that this time of my life is to be set aside to be devoted to the healing of my children. I say children because we are in the (very slow) process of becoming parents to a second child. Zinashi has needed me in ways that it would be hard to accommodate if I were doing work other than that of a mother and homemaker, and I know that our next child will likely need the same thing, at least in the beginning. This is not to say that Zinashi rules the roost here, but that of the three of us, her needs are most pressing, and I respect that. Emotional trauma in children should not be treated differently than other illnesses. If a child contracts a disease and needs a parent present in a way that won't allow that parent to work, no one bats an eyelash. And to be fair, most people don't balk at my assertion that Zinashi's needs are such that one parent in our family needs to have parenthood be their main occupation. But some people do. And some people get defensive because they think I am saying that they should make similar accommodations for their child. But I'm just saying that Zinashi has needed this. I tried working a bit, and it didn't work out. That I might be able to do something that could be completed when she is sleeping is absolutely true, but I have not found that thing yet. So for now, my job is mothering and housekeeping and such, and I am trying hard not to have a problem with the fact that some people seem to have a problem with my choices.

So that's where my head and my life are these days. We are still in limbo regarding moving, and in even greater limbo than before, if that's even possible (and it is). Maybe when we are no longer in limbo, when we are settled and doing a home study again and I don't have to think about potentially packing boxes or potentially having someone else pack them for me, I can come up with a worthy hobby and make that part of my life. For now, though, I'll just settle for watching a lot of Felicity on Netflix streaming, crashing into bed, and getting up to coffee myself through another day of motherhood. I like life like this.

Well, except for the limbo.

Life After My Whole30

2011-09-11T20:21:00.000-04:00

I know now that both dairy and wheat (and most grains, probably) make me break out. Oddly enough, sugar seems to be fine. But still, I can't just go hustling off to get frozen custard with Jarod and Zinashi, and that's no fun. But I refuse to go back to using acne medication when I can clear up the problem without it, so it's my choice, really. I honestly thought I'd be willing to just go back to benzoyl peroxide evenings if the things I like best were the things causing the acne, but it turns out that I really want to be kinder to my body.

The hardest part of this has been figuring out what to eat when I don't feel like cooking. I can't just grab a sandwich anymore. At some point I hope to figure out how to make sandwich bread that doesn't contain grains, but for now it's just not happening. Is it weird to mourn the loss of sandwiches more than the loss of my beloved iced mochas? Maybe.

I am still deciding how I'll handle vacation. I did discover that when I eat a higher quality bread product, the breakout is minimal. Everything we eat in France is fresh, made by hand, practically right in front of us, so my hope is that it will be fine. And in London there's always Pret-A-Manger for soup and salad.

I feel like this blog has only become about the Whole30 stuff I'm working out, but there's not much else to tell about my personal life right now. I'm excited about vacation. I'm excited about fall. I'm tired from staying up too late. None of these things are particularly new and exciting. Life rolls on, and next time I'll think of something else to say. Because next time? I probably won't have had to cobble together a dinner of hard-boiled eggs and fruit, and I won't be home alone while the rest of my family is out for ice cream.

(PS--Today is the tenth anniversary of 9/11, and as much as I would love to commemorate that in some way, I have very little to say about it that isn't said better by someone with more personal ties to the date. But I am remembering, and I know that being unable to eat wheat and dairy due to adult acne is really nothing compared to the real pain and suffering others have gone through and go through every day.)

Whole30, the Aftermath

2011-08-31T22:52:00.001-04:00

Well. I just realized that I hadn't given any sort of an update since I finished the Whole30 and reintroduced foods. Here's the lowdown. For two weeks I have basically been giving myself acne by ingesting various foodstuffs. Turns out that dairy and wheat are both horrible for my skin, and other grains aren't awesome. Wine is fine. I haven't checked on legumes yet; I just have little interest in them. Sugar is still a bit of a mystery, as I haven't added it back in an isolated fashion. There's always a bit of something else in there, like in the birthday cake I ate at my nephew's party and the mint brownies I had at the church school meeting. So my skin isn't wholly clear, and it might be the sugar, or it might be residual effects of all the other crap I ate these two weeks, but it's not horrible, and I'd rather just finish the container of chocolate covered espresso beans before I do the work necessary to figure it out. It's tough, after thirty days eating a very restricted diet, followed by two weeks of finding out that some of your favorite things are no longer an option for you most of the time, to go strict again and figure out how the last couple of forbidden foods affect you. I have thoroughly enjoyed the coffee cream chocolate bar from ALDI and the chocolate covered espresso beans from Trader Joe's that I've consumed this week. Which means, yes, that my sugar craving did not disappear.

The thing about my craving for sweets is that it's not a standard sugar craving. I don't want straight up sugar. I can't just eat fruit and be fine with that. In fact, I hate the really sweet, fruity candies, like Skittles and Sweet Tarts. I can only eat one or two Starburst at a time. Jelly beans? No thank you. It's the richer sweets I crave, things like good salted caramels and high quality chocolate. I have a sweet tooth that's tempered by something else...maybe fat? I'm not sure. But it doesn't surprise me that I still love sweets.

What does surprise me is how easy it has been to leave bread and pasta and cheese behind, how I don't really miss any of the starches that much. I truly enjoy the kind of dinners (protein with a big vegetable helping next to it) that we had when I was doing the Whole30, and it's been a no-brainer to continue making those kinds of dinners now. I really thought I would miss noodles a lot more, but not so much. And as for bread, what I really miss is the ease of ordering some Jimmy John's sandwiches to be delivered to our porch, and not the food itself. And that's good.

I have yet to figure out if I really want to conquer my sugar issue. I am undoubtedly eating less since many things I used to have sugar in are on the no-go list of dairy and wheat and other assorted grains. When I finally buckle down and figure out if sugar causes an immediate acne response (other things have produced blemishes in twelve hours or less, like a sick kind of magic), I might feel differently about it, but for now, I am not feeling the urge to cease picking up some chocolate that isn't dairy heavy from time to time. (And by "dairy heavy," I really mean things made with milk as opposed to heavy cream and/or butter. It really is true that the things I am sensitive to in milk are not in the cream part.) Maybe at some point it will be worth it to me, but I think for now I've got plenty of other things to get used to. I'll take it ten steps at a time, and leave that one last step for later.

For now I'm just enjoying knowing that there is a solution for my acne that doesn't involve rubbing in a gel for ten minutes every night and having to use only white towels and sheets, then sometimes still bleaching things because my hand touches my face and then I touch something with my hand. I really thought I'd be all right with using the zit cream if the only thing to come of this was to figure out what causes the acne, but I actually really like having the freedom that using just a cleanser and a moisturizer can afford me.

I also really like having all my clothes fit again. It's not so much that I have a majorly hot bod now or something (because I don't), it's just that what I see in the mirror now looks familiar to me. It's my old shape, without all the miles and miles of running. I'll take it. It's comfortable.

Thanks, Whole30.

I Did It, and Then I Got to Have Coffee Again

2011-08-20T01:56:00.001-04:00

I completed my Whole30 and am now adding things back in one by one to see how I'm affected. Turns out that I didn't completely obliterate my sugar cravings, but I managed to pick up more cravings for fruits and vegetables and the like, so there's more balance. I've been doing a little casual Googling as I add categories of foods back in, and what cracks me up most is all the posts where people are talking about how they ate too much fruit and they knew it and their lives are ending because it's just too much sweet food and they might die or something! Or be Whole30 failures! And that right there is why I didn't buy the success guide on offer; I don't want to know if I'm supposed to limit my fruit. People, please. I was eating six-cookie lunches and having pretty much no fruit at all on a regular basis. Give me another restriction, and I might smack you. Frankly, if the sweet I'm craving is the sweet of fruit, I'm really not going to worry about it. If someday I do worry about that sort of thing, I hope someone will smack me, and hard enough that it makes a sound.

I am loving having coffee again. I did a little research and decided that palm sugar is the way to go for sweetener, then laced it with a moderate amount of heavy cream. I'm still enjoying some of the Sidamo beans we brought back from Ethiopia (woe to us all when they are gone--WOE!), and it is so smooth and delicious that I am beside myself with pleasure each morning when I take my first sip. It tastes better than it ever did, and let me tell you, it tasted AWESOME before.

Now I proceed with the rest of my plan for adding things back in. Dairy gave me blemishes within twelve hours, no joke, and I only had two small slices of blueberry cheddar and a small glass of milk. Oh, dairy, we will meet again, but far less frequently than before. Because the reaction was so prompt, I went ahead and moved on to the next phase, sampling straight up sugar today. This is, incidentally, why I am still awake to write this. I had a giant dark chocolate iced mocha (made with almond milk, with thanks to Whole Foods for having non-dairy milk selections that are not all soy or grain-based), and then tonight I found a coffee crunch dark chocolate bar in the basement that I'd meant to give someone for Christmas, but had slipped off the pile of gifts I'd put by the stairs. I brushed the cobwebs off and ate half of it, discovering partway through the mouthgasm I was experiencing after a month off chocolate that the "coffee crunch" portion was just bits of espresso beans. Whoops. Someday I'll be sleepy again...I think.

I'm pretty sure the extent of my sugar issues are related to crashing hard when it wears off and becoming bloated in a most unattractive fashion. I'm going to consider that trial done as well and move on to the next round. Tomorrow I'll give it a bit of a rest from reintroduction during the day and have a bit of injera at dinnertime to kick off the grain tryouts. Because it's a fermented grain product, the effects will be less than straight up grain flour, so it will be Sunday a the earliest that I'll truly test the grain waters. I'm planning on going big with a buttery croissant*. The reaction later may or may not be pleasant, but for the moment I'm taking a bite, I'm sure it will be divine.

It's good to be done(ish).

*Because butter and heavy cream contain fewer milk proteins than other dairy products, there's generally very little reaction to those. Ideally, butter should be clarified to remove remaining milk proteins, and heavy cream should be limited, but did you get the part about my former six-cookie lunch habit? I think I'm not going to worry about a splash or two of deliciousness in my coffee each morning or butter used to bake a croissant.

I Have a Plan

2011-08-15T17:25:00.000-04:00

I am resisting the urge to give thoughts about my Whole30 until I have finished AND reintroduced foods. All I really know right now is that I no longer need any acne medication. None. This from the girl who was spending ten minutes every night just rubbing in benzoyl peroxide gel. So the big goal of reintroduction is figuring out what the acne trigger is. If it's dairy, I already know that the occasional ice cream or frozen custard will absolutely be worth the benzoyl peroxide application. Not nightly, mind you, but just when I decide to partake. If it's grains, I'm not sure what I'll decide. Probably that some treats are worth it, and some I can figure out how to make myself without grains.

So the plan is to reintroduce dairy first on Thursday, then sugar on Friday or Saturday, then grains next week. One grain at a time. If dairy is fine, I'll likely just cook up some breakfast oats with milk and see how I do, and if that seems good to go, I'll grab a wheat-laden something or other later in the week, followed by something with corn. I'm fairly certain that brown rice is not causing my acne, so I'll not make a big deal out of that one. And as for the legumes category, well, that will probably just happen when I eat something with peanut butter or go out for Mexican food. Potatoes are the only other remaining forbidden food, and those were due to not being nutrient dense, so I think I can just have those whenever.

Beyond figuring out the cause of my adult acne, I'm also interested in maintaining a diet in which I am mostly eating whole foods. I too easily fall back on baked goods and very sugary coffees, and I'd like to do less of that. It's a slippery slope that I've slid down before, though, so I am not saying that anything will happen in that regard. Maybe I will do better. Maybe I won't. Maybe I will become a Whole30 evangelist.

We'll see.

Happy Medium?

2011-08-09T16:42:00.000-04:00

It occurs to me that one week from Thursday, I'll be done with the Whole30 and will need some sort of plan for reintroducing foods into my diet. I don't want to do it all willy nilly, as I'd like to find out what foods are triggers for certain issues, and by certain issues, I mean acne and grey hair. This morning I looked in the mirror after washing my face and noticed that the grey hairs that normally populate the area near my right temple were gone. I was baffled. But then I rememberd how stress turns hair grey, and it occurred to me that eating more healthy foods and eliminating harmful ones might have the opposite effect. Still, it's weird, right?

I don't really care that much about the grey hair, but more about what it means overall for my health. I'd like to approach adding foods back in a way that will enlighten me as to what is worst and what is okay in limited amounts. Much to my surprise, I haven't missed pasta or even cheese that much. I have missed desserts and sometimes a bit of bread (good bread, warm on the table at a nice restaurant, with a side of butter, bread) and definitely my coffee. DEFINITELY my coffee.

I know that a lot of people who do the Whole30 and stay on the plan are out for optimal health and sticking to a system that will keep them eating this way most of the time. And while that's nice and all, what I'd really like is to enjoy food again. We've had some good dinners that I will definitely cook on a regular basis going forward, but I've missed just sitting down and really enjoying a meal. I think it's okay for food to bring pleasure; it doesn't have to just be a tool that is fuel for your body. I also think it's okay for some foods or drinks to be comforting, as long as you're not comforting yourself more often than not.

On Saturday we gave the go ahead for searchers to look for our daughter's family in Ethiopia; they are in the drought affected region, and we have been quite worried about them. While we were figuring out a way to look for them that would work with our budget, I'll admit that I had a heavy heart, but it was nothing compared to what overtook me once I'd emailed all the documents and accumulated information and recent photos of our girl. In that moment, I surely would have liked to sit still with a nice coffee, sweet and with cream, wallowing in my sudden grief.

It's not that the Whole30 people say you can't ever have your sweet coffee with cream, but I get the sense from reading articles on the resource page that wanting a dessert just because you want it is frowned upon, and craving a familiar warm drink when you're sad is not the direction they want you to head. I don't want that to be my life, frankly. At the same time, I also don't want to go back to eating very few fruits and vegetables and grabbing junk because I don't want to make the effort to eat something good. So I'm looking for a happy medium. I've got nine days to figure it out.

Halfway

2011-08-02T23:10:00.000-04:00

Oh, hi. I am still doing that crazy thing wherein I don't eat any sugar, dairy, grains, legumes, or anything else delicious. In fact, that's exactly how I describe it when people ask why I'm not partaking of dessert. I go, "Oh, on a total whim one Tuesday, after reading about it the night before, I decided to give up eating everything delicious in hopes of curing my acne and my sugar cravings." Today is Day 15, and I am not going to lie to you: it is still kind of hard. It's probably feeling particularly hard right now because I just returned from Branson. Do you know what they have to eat in Branson, Missouri that is suitable for Whole30 consumption? NOTHING.

Okay, fine. They have eggs and fruit and salad bars. Still, I figured if I could tough it out through our annual Branson excursion with all the kiddos, I could tough it out through the rest of the thirty days. And I can.

Overall, this has been very good for me. I've used less and less benzoyl peroxide gel each night, and have yet to get even one zit. I've dropped all the weight I put on through two years of adoption paperwork and new motherhood, or at least I think I have, if my clothes are a good indicator of such things. I've been much better at staying hydrated, and I'm eating a TON more fruits and vegetables. I'm glad I'm doing it, even though I do miss a lot of small things. I miss grabbing an iced mocha when I head out to do errands by myself. I miss having a small chocolate something or other at the end of a taxing day. I miss having the option to have even a little treat. But I'm no good at moderation, so I'm going to ride out all thirty days and hope that at the end, I feel good enough and am used to eating this way enough that I won't backslide completely into six-cookie lunches.

We'll see.

Yeaaahhhh...Sooooo....

2011-07-25T19:57:00.000-04:00

It turns out that I'm doing okay with my Whole30. Today is the seventh day. What I like about it is that my eating is very straightforward. Scrambled eggs and green tea for breakfast. Salad with fruit and nuts and homemade vinaigrette for lunch. Meat and veg for dinner. Hard-boiled eggs and fruit/nut mix for snacks. What I don't like about it is that eating isn't very much fun. Can I say that? I know a lot of people sing the praises of the flavors! And the purity! Whereas I'm thinking, "I wouldn't mind having something to eat that excites me." But excitement isn't the point, is it? I've got a sugar habit to kick and some topical acne medications to cut back on.

It should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me that my clothes which were too tight are fitting ever-so-slightly better after just a week of this nonsense. If you go from lots of very sugary coffee drinks and cookies for lunch to no sugar, no dairy, no legumes, no grains, no alcohol, you're going to lose weight; it's not rocket science. And I'd love to say that the prospect of fitting back into my pants isn't what motivates me to keep going with this for another week, but it is. It would be a dream to stop using so much acne medication, but if it's a choice between chocolate coffee with cream and not needing vast quantities of benzoyl peroxide gel, I'd gladly just keep rubbing in the zit cream.

I do notice that my energy seems to be more even throughout the day, and I never ever get heartburn or feel that overly full feeling. I do like both of those benefits. But still, given the chance, I'd probably dive head first into an iced mocha. I'm hoping by the end of thirty days that impulse will be a little less pronounced. We'll see.

Three Things

2011-07-19T14:56:00.002-04:00

I maybe read about this yesterday and started doing it today. Like a crazy person. I might have sighed when I looked at my French press and knew I wouldn't be making myself coffee laced with chocolate syrup and half and half this morning, but we can overlook that. And maybe I went to Trader Joe's after we saw Old Lady Mary so I could get some actual fruits and vegetables to put in our house because we didn't really have any. (Shameful!)

Actually, I'll just go right ahead and blame the opening of a Trader Joe's in my city--within walking distance, no less--for this little fiasco. I couldn't afford all the stuff I need to eat on this plan if it weren't for Trader Joe's. But there they are, and things are cheaper, and I do love those freeze dried blueberries, so I'm just giving this a go. I've been eating too many lunches comprised only of cookies and/or chocolates, and I need to reset. It usually takes something a bit severe to get me back on track. I'm not so good at moderation.

So we'll see. I'm not making any promises or calling this a goal or anything of that nature. I'm just saying that I decided to try it, so I'm going to try it, and if it works out, that would be great. Thirty days isn't that long, right?

...

I can't afford to have my hair cut by trained professionals, so I bought a Groupon to have it cut by people who are training to become professionals. I figure that hair grows, and they are supervised by an instructor, so it's not like I'll end up with a mullet or something. Included in the cost of the Groupon is a spa mani-pedi. If you could see my feet right now, you'd understand why this is a very good thing.

...

Our adoption tax credit is supposedly on the way, so we can pay off our adoption debts and start planning a little trip. We thought we'd get the credit fairly quickly, and then would save for the trip, but that didn't work out. So now we've paid as much on our debt as plane tickets would cost, so we'll just book those as soon as we get the credit and a good flight deal comes along.

We are anxious to start saving for our next adoption, but we'd like to take Zinashi on a trip first, a special time for the three of us. We're doing our usual, and going to London (briefly, unless we find a very cheap place to stay) and Nice. I know a lot of people will think we're spendthrift nuts, but we like grocery shopping in France! With the right plane ticket deal, it's not much more expensive than a trip stateside in which we'd need to stay in a hotel and purchase our meals out. We sacrifice a lot of other small things to get to do this, and it is totally worth it to us. We can't wait to take Zinashi to the beach and out for gelato.

Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner

2011-07-05T16:08:00.000-04:00

This is a photo of me on my honeymoon. Nice, France, 2007. Catching a bit of WiFi in one of our favorite spots. And wearing some very nice pants I'd gotten on sale. There are a lot of reasons to like these pants, but mostly they just look good, iron easily, and hide stains with aplomb. I like these pants, and I'd like to wear them again on a regular basis. However, right now, while I can get them zipped and fastened, they're a little bit snug. I know that it's not a big deal, but at the same time, I know that my habits could be healthier, could be just plain better all around, and they would fit just fine.

As I've been reckoning with my own issues of being unsatisfied with my body, I've also been giving a lot of thought to what about my current life is not healthy or right in a larger sense. I do know from experience that if I am living in a healthy (or at least more healthy--I'll admit to liking sweets a bit too much) way that respects my body and also others, I can be happy with my size and shape. Even better, I can simply not think about it so much, which displaces time and energy better spent on greater things. So I've been mulling over the idea of too much, of how having more than we need can be disrespectful to those who struggle and still can't get their needs met. This applies to stuff we own, to our time, and yes, to our food. To spend more on food simply so I can have a snack whenever I feel like it (whether or not I am actually hungry) is to take something from someone who truly needs it. I could give more if I spent less, whether that be on clothes or on trinkets or on food that I really don't need. And so the tightness of my pants begins to reflect something more than just my own vanity issues. It gets right to the heart of what I believe and how I practice it.

So I have decided to get a little bit hungry sometimes. I will have breakfast, and I will have a light lunch, and I will have dinner, but I will not eat just because I can, or just because something is right in front of me. I'm giving up snacks, and if I get hungry in between meals, I will remember that this is the constant feeling of life for some people, and the fact that I know that something more is coming, is guaranteed to me, three times a day, is a great privilege.

The New Baseline

2011-06-29T15:36:00.000-04:00

So I'm still working on my return to running. I started with a two mile out-and-back, moved up to three, and have progressed to four. I can run 3.5 miles without a problem and expect to do even better than that tomorrow night. I'm beginning to suspect that I could run a bit every day without the break day in between, but I don't want to push it. I want to slowly, steadily move forward. My goal as a baseline for usual mileage is five miles. Oh, and maybe working up to a ten mile run on a weekend morning. But I hate to say that last part out loud because what if it never happens? So I won't say anything if you won't say anything, and maybe by keeping quiet we can trick my body into actually getting that task done. Step one will be getting out of bed before everyone else. Tricky.

Related to the running is my desire to have my clothes fit. I have tried in earnest to appreciate and accept the body I have now, but the bottom line is that I have clothes that I like, and I had a body shape that I was accustomed to, and I want those things to be part of my life again. I don't know how to reconcile this to my desire to put body image in its place, but it is what it is, and I am willing to work a little harder workout-wise to be back where I was before. Because when your pants actually fit as a result of good habits, you don't obsess over your pants fitting or not. Or so I hope. I do think I've left behind the desire to be ever thinner, so at least that's some progress. And who knows, maybe if I were buying new clothes, I could just buy a size up and wouldn't care. But I'm not, so we'll just deal in reality, and I'll have extra incentive to put on my running shoes and meet the aforementioned goals (you know, the ones we're not talking about).

Run on, friends.

The Waiting Really is the Hardest Part

2011-06-20T15:14:00.000-04:00

Recently the book club I'm in read The Sparrow. I'll spare you the details, since it would take forever to explain the book, but it did give me my new motto, in Latin, no less. Cunctando regitur mundus. Waiting, one conquers all.

My life, and our life as a family, has been all about waiting, especially since we began our adoption process. We got practiced at waiting...to get each piece of our paperwork...to get our fingerprints...to get our dossier authenticated...to see our daughter's face...to get more photos from other traveling families...to get our court date...to get to Ethiopia...to get our embassy date...to get through customs...etc. You get the idea. It made us practiced in the art of waiting. To some extent, it made it easier as time went by, but what I've discovered now is that I may be running out of patience for waiting. And yet, wait we must.

There's a new possibility right in front of us, one that would mean huge changes, and we have no idea if it will come through. It would involve a big move, figuring out what to do with our house since we have determined that we likely can't get out of it what we owe on it at this point, getting settled in a new place, and getting into a routine that will work for us as a family. These are all really good things, but no ball can start rolling on our end until we know something. If it doesn't work out, there are other balls that need to start rolling, mostly in terms of me bringing in a little bit of money for our family budget, because we are also waiting on our adoption tax credit. I get more tightly wound about our budget every day, but there's nothing I can do until I know the outcome of this possibility. And that really stinks. I feel like we're in financial limbo.

What I hope, quite honestly, is that everything happens at once. It feels like there is so much pressure in this bit of waiting that a dam might burst, and I do hope that it does. That we move as we get the tax credit as we get the house rented as we march our feet into IKEA to get a mattress that isn't third hand and is big enough for our growing family. You can laugh at that last part, but Zinashi still needs to sleep with us, and her astounding growth (seven inches of height since we took custody) has left us with a lot less room to sleep. Our current mattress is on its way out anyway, so we figured we'd just go king or go home, even if it takes up the whole of the master bedroom. We can put dressers in the hall.

So there it is. Life. On the upside, I am shuttling stuff we don't need out the door so fast that my head is spinning, and that feels incredibly good. The possibility of a very quick move will do that to you, and it is a marvelous thing to be so motivated. I'm going to head to our basement right this minute and do some more. I need something to be satisfying besides my second cup of coffee; I'm gonna just do it.

I am a Runner. Still.

2011-05-31T17:29:00.000-04:00

I don't know why it didn't occur to me that running by myself didn't have to be a lengthy affair. I guess when your normal is six to seven hilly miles, it's hard to remember that some people run just two, or to conceive of yourself doing that. Despite the fact that I ran seven miles at a time for years, I am not capable of that now. Not after a year (or more, I didn't keep track of when things tapered off for good last year) off, anyway. So I gave myself permission to just get started again. Even if it's 10pm, I can still spend thirty or forty-five minutes running. It's better than sitting on my rear in front of the computer.

On the first night, I ran a solid 1.5 miles. The second, I added another quarter mile, and I'm fairly certain that tonight will find me running the entire two mile out-and-back I have planned for myself. That feels good. I didn't realize how much I missed running, really and truly missed it, until I took off for those first few steps, and felt joy.

I never had a running partner or belonged to a running group. Two of my three Pikes Peak Marathons I was joined for part of the downhill stretch by someone surely sent by God himself, to keep me from just sitting down on the side of the trail. But my training and my usual runs were almost always alone, because I liked it that way. I like the cool quiet of night and nothing but my thoughts for company. Now that I am a mother, with more to do and another person to share space with, it turns out this is even more important to me. Just me, just a valet key slipped over my finger, just my own slightly labored breathing. No iPod or GPS or any other accoutrements. Even earrings are removed to make things light. And it's heaven.

I think that often I have to let go of things to find my way back to them. I wrote on our family blog about finding a way to work out with Zinashi along, having resigned myself to meeting my need for movement with her along for the ride. It didn't occur to me until after I wrote it that I could slip out while Jarod was rocking her to sleep, that I could go a shorter distance or accept a more sleepy morning the next day. But it turns out that it's possible, and now probable.

Unless something goes awry, tonight will be the third night of my return to running. I always said that I hoped I would always be a runner, and was beginning to fear that it just wouldn't happen. But here I am, and it feels good, and I look forward to every night Jarod is tucking Zinashi in. For now, three nights a week, guaranteed. Three nights of quiet, of my two feet merrily slapping the sidewalk. Three nights of thought and purpose and joy.

Hallelujah.

Movement

2011-05-26T16:32:00.000-04:00

I've been treating our family blog like it's my job, and that's been really satisfying. If you spend any time over there, you might notice that there are some ads hanging out at the top and on the sidebar. We're pretty excited about those, mostly because they came in conjunction with an invitation to be part of the publisher community at Daily Buzz Moms. And because we're making a little money. Not a ton, or even what might be considered reasonable for the amount of time I spend writing posts, but I would write regardless, so it's nice to be making enough for a cheapo pedicure or an evening of skipping cooking and having a little Jimmy John's out on our porch once a month. It's great to have the incentive of having my writing featured elsewhere along with making a little bit from ads if people like it and decide to come back to our site. It gives me that little extra push I need to write the posts I want to write and to produce quality content on a regular basis. Right now I require myself to post over there every week day, and if I've got something to say on the weekends, I'll post then, too. It's made me better at making notes when I think of something I want to share and prompted me to share even when I think, "Maybe no one will want to read this." Well, no one has to read anything, and maybe they will want to read some silly little thing I want to post. So that's all good.

It's funny, though, after blogging here for so long, to find that the blog that is doing well is the one that I started for the sole purpose of keeping people in the loop about our adoption. I guess there are surprises around every turn, and you either rise to meet the circumstances and opportunities or lose out on what could be really great because you have some idea of how it should have gone. I will continue to write here, as I still feel like it's a space that gives me an outlet for things I wouldn't necessarily think are a good fit for our family blog, but I will write more over there. Which is all to say: if you want to read more of what I'm writing and haven't made the trip over to Finding Magnolia, you might want to do it now.

Happy Thursday, remaining readers of my poor little personal blog.

I Need to Be Getting Things Done

2011-05-23T16:46:00.000-04:00

But here I sit, blogging, reading other people's blogs, generally not getting things done. I guess I need something to do while I finish eating this banana that Zinashi did not finish eating at lunch. I get the majority of my midday calories from two sources: coffee drinks (I prefer the mocha variety, homemade from leftover morning coffee, or from a coffee shop if I'm lucky and feeling rich) and things Zinashi leaves on her plate. It is very rare that I make myself lunch. The morning's toast with nutella, minus one bite, and random fruit bits are my favorites, but I'll settle for some stale crackers and slightly warm cheese. I'm not picky.

The big excitement around here is that we are closer to moving than ever, and while it's not a guarantee, it does get us farther down that path than we've ever been, and that means that I must divulge our house of everything that we will not take with us if/when we move. My goal is to take a bag or box out every day and bring nothing new in. Not even if it's a good deal! Put down that adorable vintage lamp, Mary! No one cares that it only costs $8! This should actually be the narrative for my life, not just for my life when we might be moving. I so want to pass on good financial habits to Zinashi, and to live life more as a person and less as a consumer, but it's hard when things are so pretty.

The most difficult task is going through Zinashi's stash of stuff. There are two problems: 1) that she remembers every single thing that she is given, and 2) that a lot of the things I think are fabulous are not the things she thinks are fabulous. We need to find middle ground between Pillow Pets and wooden puzzles, giant plastic dollhouses and the IKEA abacus. Some things I'm sure she won't remember, and then I take them to Goodwill only to have her ask about them a week later. But I'm tired of having an extra room's worth of stuff that belongs to her, and we just can't keep it all. A lot of things will get "lost in the move," if you know what I'm saying.

I'm excited, no matter what happens. Even getting this far means that we are on our way towards something new, and so I'm going to take it as a good sign that we are closer to our goal every time we reach for it. It feels like we just keep waiting on the same things, and see little movement, but it's there. Little plants start growing beneath the surface of the earth before you see the green shoots, and I'm trusting that that's what's happening here. We're moving forward. We're growing. We're going to see things happen, and soon.

Soon.

Which means I'd better get back to work in the basement.

Feeeeelings

2011-05-15T17:45:00.000-04:00

Today at the mall I felt suddenly and inexplicably sad. Deeply, like someone had come in and placed the saddest, hardest bit of information inside my heart and said, "There. How's that?" But there was no reason. I was drinking an iced mocha and trying on shoes I wouldn't be buying. So I thought a lot about it and the conclusion I came to was that there is no conclusion. The last time I felt like this was when we were in the middle of Zinashi's adoption, before we'd seen her picture. Which is very strange because A) we are not in the middle of a second adoption, and B) we are not in the middle of a second adoption.

So. That's that.

On the home front, Zinashi has been having a hard time. Sleep regression, a little bit weepy, no definite reason except, you know, that she saw someone die and then her other someone had to leave her with strangers. People keep minimizing that, and saying that she's not sleeping because she doesn't want to miss anything, and I want to go, "Really?" Because I just can't get why anyone would minimize events so huge and terrifying. My baby, who was for all intents and purposes just a baby, yet old enough to be acutely aware of what was happening, went through a series of events that were traumatic to say the least. WTF, people? Can you not just allow that this might have lasting effects on her? That she isn't just like your ADHD neighbor's kid? Jeez Louise. Use a little common sense.

I really have nothing much else to say. Life rolls on. We're busy. We love our daughter. We feel like we're just waiting on a lot of things, so it leaves little to share in the way of news. But, you know, I do like these shoes. That I can tell you. Too bad it's not news.

Confession

2011-04-28T23:00:00.001-04:00

I bought a pair of shoes today. I don't plan on wearing them unless the rest of my flats wear out before the end of the year, but if you saw the heel portion of the rest of my flats, you'd understand why I bought a pair that cost a mere $5.64 as a bit of insurance. You might also laugh at my worry that I won't have appropriate footwear for our vacation, which is in...October. What? I need to look somewhat fashionable on the French Riviera*. Don't look at me that way. Now I am certain of having at least two pairs of flats to pair with my dresses, because I set aside that other pair that I bought in the last week of 2010. And if you're wondering why I need more than one pair of shoes for vacation, let me just say that we walk a lot when we are in France. And when you walk a lot, your feet sweat. And if you wear the same pair of shoes every day, it's not pretty. I know this from experience.

I am trying to feel a little bit bad about breaking my commitment, but I just can't muster it. I am hard on shoes, and I know that, and I didn't really think about it before I decided on my 2011 shoe and clothing fast. When I stopped buying things for a year before, I had a lot more quality shoes in my collection to start with. Apparently now I only buy crap shoes, so they're all going to crap.

Besides the financial aspect, another purpose of this year was to recognize my own wealth in terms of clothes and to come away with an honest look at what I really wear and use. I've discovered that I wear the same four stripey shirts much of the time, that the really cheap Forever 21 jeans that I bought are surprisingly comfortable, and that none of my leggings stay up properly (which is the curse of having a long torso). I realize that I miss having a nicely tailored pair of trouser jeans and that I really am too ~~lazy~~ busy to iron most of the time. In 2012, I see a return to jersey knits and a trip to The Gap, not to mention a perusal of all the nice flats that Zappos has to offer.

For now, though, I'll just tuck my new shoes into the closet and hope I don't need to wear them before the year is out.

*If I can figure out how to purchase the plane tickets, that is. Would anyone like to buy a kidney?

Work

2011-04-19T16:31:00.001-04:00

It's a rainy, chilly day, and Zinashi is sleeping later for her nap than I'd usually like, but I can't be bothered to care. Frankly, she's probably way behind on sleep, and a day like this is the best day for her to catch up. I told her that if she does a "gobez tinyi" (good sleep), she can use her own money to get buna (coffee--but for her, really hot chocolate--don't tell her it's not coffee, though). Worked like a charm. I've had some quiet moments to update our Finding Magnolia blog, pay bills (drudgery), and eat a little something without someone clamoring for a bite. I'd say we all win in this situation.

Our old goal was to put our house on the market this month, but a lot of things have happened to make that impossible, the most noteworthy of which is the delay in processing of our adoption tax credit. We can't pay someone to do work on our house if we don't have money, so for now we are sitting tight and trusting that when the time is right, the money will be there, and we can put the house on the market, and all will work out as it was meant to. In the meantime, I am trying to get on top of my regular cleaning and do small projects along the way. The geraniums in the photo above are one of the small projects. Little by little, the house beautification will get done, and little by little I'll move on to other projects I'd like to complete, and little by little we'll make life happen.

So this is my work for now. Care of Zinashi always comes first, but after that there's work on the house, both of the usual maintenance sort and the making-it-nicer sort. There's work on our Finding Magnolia blog and work on our finances. It keeps me more than busy. Except for the part where I got paid, I don't miss having another job. I don't know how I'd get all the rest of this done if I did. I truly am in awe of all you single parents who manage to get everything done on your own. You are rock stars. Really.

And now, back to work.

Why Orthodoxy?

2011-04-16T22:07:00.000-04:00

Today we were baptized into the Orthodox Christian Church at our little church on Troost. It felt good. I know that a lot of our Protestant Christian family/friends/acquaintances are curious as to why we would take this step, and the answer is both simple and complex. We took this step because it was right for us. Because we found the Orthodox Church, and it found us. For me, it has a lot to do with compassion and humility and gentleness, and maybe most of all, with mystery. I think I may have been looking my whole life for faith that allows for mystery, that doesn't ask me to figure out the answer to everything, that fills in the spaces of why and how with the sense that sometimes we're simply meant to accept the mysteries of God.

And then there was my growing disillusionment with the politicization of the Evangelical Christian Church, with my longing to bring some of what I was figuring out in yoga to my spiritual life as a whole. Maybe that's a strange way to put it, but there it is. I wanted something that was kind and gentle to everyone, that didn't disguise gossip as a prayer request or allow for resentment because it was "righteous indignation," both of which I was guilty of more often than not. I wanted to learn to be truly kind, to have my faith guide me in that direction. Going to my first confession last night, it came full circle for me. After confessing my own sins before God and my priest, the priest asked if I forgave everyone. My breath caught in my throat as I whispered, "Yes." After laying my own flawed soul bare, it suddenly became clear that I was no better than anyone, and forgiveness was indeed the only option. I have never experienced this kind of clarity on my own, on a level that was less than cerebral. Of course I knew that I did plenty wrong, but there was still a holding out, a sense that I was better than someone else (or, if I'm honest, a lot of someone elses). And then suddenly, I wasn't. I'm not. It opened up my heart to a new kind of gentleness.

Tonight when I was looking up some things, I came across this quote, from a write only identified as "An Orthodox Priest."

"Ours is the way of compassion and humility. Ours is the way of personal, interior transformation. Of sacrament. Ours is the way of minute particulars. If we must, we will suffer gladly for the truth, but we will not be the cause of suffering for others. Because we are called to love our enemies, we have no enemies, only neighbors."

I think that right there sums it up. I hope that this is the truth my life will speak every day.

The Little House on the Prairie Workout

2011-04-11T23:07:00.001-04:00

When I was a kid, my very first chapter book was Little House on the Prairie, and for my entire life--teenhood, adulthood, and all--that series of books has never gotten old. I'm not sure why I still love them, but I do. I can pick up those books and enjoy reading them even now. I love me some Laura Ingalls Wilder. I suppose it's no coincidence that when things are getting busy or I really don't feel like doing the dishes, I think about how the pioneers did it. "Mary," I say to myself, "Ma Ingalls heated water on her wood stove to wash her laundry and then scrubbed them on a washboard before drying them on a clothesline where they'd freeze in the winter; you can surely fold the things you just got out of the dryer." I think along the same lines when I'm whining about figuring out what to make for dinner or procrastinating doing the dishes. And lately, I think along those same lines when I consider working out.

My workout routine has pretty much evaporated into thin air. Let's start there. In the winter, when Zinashi was napping for an hour and a half, and we were stuck indoors anyway, it was easy and mostly fun to work out to DVDs indoors. But now she's napping for a shorter time, if at all, and once she's up, I don't feel like keeping both of us inside, so I just haven't been working out. I felt guilty about it, but then I thought, "Did Laura Ingalls ever work out? Did she come home from school and hit the treadmill while Ma cleaned the kerosene lamps?" No, she did not. Such a thing would have been ridiculous. Laura Ingalls got all the exercise she needed by living her life. So I decided that I should do that, too.

Now, I'm not going to start washing all my laundry by hand every Monday, but I am going to take the opportunities my life affords me to get exercise without it being formal exercise. We've been walking when we need to go to Target, bicycling when the destination is farther. I've been trying to sit less and do more physical work around the house. So far, so good. My arms have yet to wither and develop pronounced bat wings, and I am pretty much the same size as always, if by "always" I mean since we came home from Ethiopia. It feels good to be moving in a way that is purposeful as opposed to moving for the sake of formal exercise, using time I could spend in ways that are more enjoyable to me and ultimately more productive.

That I will return to some sort of formal exercise regimen is probable. If we are still in Kansas City next winter, I will be hard pressed to figure out ways to expend energy that don't leave both Zinashi and me shivering. And I do love to run. If someday we live in a space that allows me to feel like I can just slip out the door and let my feet go, then I will surely return to it.

For now, I am enjoying the way things are. I get a lot done around the house, and am catching up on things I'd long put off. I'm a lot kinder to myself in regards to how I feel about my figure, too, and that has been the greatest benefit to come out of this. I don't know if it's a Lenten miracle or what, but suddenly I see my body for what it is: a gift. It is healthy, it is strong, it is good. I've got cellulite. I've got a smooshy bit at the base of my belly. And I'm okay with that. Maybe there will be other days of my life when it will matter, but right now, it just doesn't. I am healthy, and I am happy, and that is absolutely enough. I'm pretty sure it was enough for Laura Ingalls, too, if she thought about such things at all.

(She probably didn't.)

The Great Caketastrophe of 2011

2011-04-05T00:14:00.001-04:00

So we had a little birthday party for Zinashi. Her assigned birthday is Wednesday, and we wanted to do a fun little something with family and the kids she knows well (three total). Even with limiting the number and having a few people unable to attend, there were still twenty people in our house. Which was just fine. I don't think anyone ended up in the emergency room due to a claustrophobic incident, and Zinashi didn't seem too bothered by so many people at once, though it did wear her out. It wore me out. Or the preparations did, at least. It would help if I hadn't had to make two cakes, one of which will primarily be eaten by coworkers of my husband when I force him to take it with him to work tomorrow. (Given the option, I would eat cake and only cake all day, so I am removing the cake option.)

I set out to make a rabbit cake like I'd made before, but using my delicious chocolate cake recipe which everyone loves. Such a cake would look like this:

But it turns out that even if you modify your delicious chocolate cake recipe to be similar in egg and flour content to the recipe that came with the rabbit cake pan, your rabbit may end up decapitated. Like this:

Which ultimately isn't good for photos and/or video of your small child blowing out her birthday candles. So you'll dash into Target and buy an alternate rabbit pan, then stay up past midnight making an inferior cake that looks like this:

The day after the party, you'll be so tired that you will see small bits of chocolate cake ground into your dining room floor and go, "Oh. Huh." And you won't bother to clean it up at all.

Sneak Peek

2011-03-31T15:46:00.001-04:00

Two days ago, FedEx delivered a box to our door that was clearly marked with the Petunia Pickle Bottom logo. I held off for two whole days before asking Jarod if I could just open it up and make sure they sent the right one. After all, the bag I wanted sold out rather quickly. Do you wonder why? It's just so cute! Of course it sold out in short order.

Luckily, that beautiful bag is what was in the box. Now I just have to wait a month to use it.

Would it be weird if I admitted that I caress the box a little every time I walk by it in the basement? Because I don't. I mean, not really. It's more like a kindly little tap. Because what if my bag is lonely and needs to know that I'm thinking of it?

I am far too excited about having a really nice bag of my very own.

Recipes and Craziness

2011-03-30T14:40:00.000-04:00

First up, two recipes that are rocking my sort-of vegan world.

1. Magic Sauce. I'm dying to put it on salad, but so far have been using it on pasta. I saute some mediterranean vegetables (yes, the frozen bag from Whole Foods--it's my current favorite shortcut since nothing is really in season right now) and spinach (also frozen) with salt, pepper, a bit of Melissa's Chile Seasoning, and some ginger, toss some linguine with toasted sesame oil and rice wine vinegar, combine veg and pasta with Magic Sauce and voila! A dinner we all enjoy. Zinashi keeps insisting on picking out all the bits of squash and green beans, but when some of it passes her lips without being seen, she doesn't notice. I keep putting it in her bowl, trusting that someday she'll accept all the vegetable deliciousness.

2. Homemade Nutella. We eat it on our toast every morning. I'm sorry if you find this alarming, but I miss butter, and I really cannot eat toast with just jam. Our vegan breakfast compromise was to keep eating eggs or oats cooked with milk, but everything else would be vegan. And homemade nutella is vegan. Brilliant. I've made vegan muffins, but this is just so much more satisfying.

It should also be noted, as part of sort-of-vegan news, that I have fallen off the one-coffee-per-week wagon. I...could do better. That's really all there is to say about that.

...

We had our six month post placement visit with our social worker on Monday, and I've not yet managed to blog it on our adoption blog because we've had other things to say. But I will. What I want to say about it here is that the six month mark is when you can start paperwork for your next adoption, and while in the past I couldn't imagine wanting to do that, now I suddenly understand the people that do. Because if we felt that Zinashi were ready for a sibling, and if we had enough funds, I would probably want to start again now. Which is downright ridiculous, honestly, since I still don't have Zinashi's US birth certificate (thank you, State of Missouri, for not understanding the international adoption process and requiring paperwork that is redundant), which I need to get her new Certificate of Citizenship in her new name and then to get her new Social Security card in her new name, and then to get her passport in her new name. But I don't know...Zinashi does want to have a sister; we've talked about it. And I do see changes in our future that would make it harder to get some of the paperwork done (moving, eventually). So this is just my wish thrown out there. I'd like to start again, possibly sooner rather than later. If you want to buy me a lottery ticket or enter the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes on behalf of our second child, please go right ahead. Also if you'd like to talk my husband into it, that would be great, too.

Another Post Proving That I'm Becoming a Boring Old Lady

2011-03-28T15:45:00.000-04:00

I may be having a little too much fun getting rid of all our stuff. Or is that even possible, to have too much fun cleaning out and organizing? Every time I take another load to Goodwill or put things in the garage for an upcoming garage sale, I feel lighter. Yesterday we skipped church for a little photo shoot (mostly Zinashi, with some family shots), and when we got home, Jarod took charge of most Zinashi-related stuff so I could go to the grocery and work on things at home. It is slightly embarrassing how much joy I got out of emptying all the old herbs and spices out of the spice rack in preparation for selling it. Maybe you use all the spices in your spice rack, but I do not, and there are not jars for some of the things that I do use regularly (cardamom, for instance, and ginger).

I'm also very nearly done (finally!) with figuring out where to put all the stuff that fit on this desk system when we traded it out for a smaller desk. We've gotten rid of a lot of stuff. There's still some filing to be done, and a few items that got lost in the post-Ethiopia shuffle to attend to, but I am mostly done. And that feels really fantastic. Up next? The basement. The goal is to only have down there what could be stored in a small apartment storage locker, as that is likely to be our reality when we make a move. Ideally, I'd love for everything to fit on our main floor, but I figure that as long as we have the basement to use, we don't need to be doing closet Tetris every time we want to do a craft project or locate holiday decorations.

Getting our house ready for sale is going more slowly than I'd hoped, but I just keep reminding myself that everything will get done in the time it was meant to be done, so long as we keep plugging away at it. When I really don't feel like filing, or the basement seems too cold to bother with, I keep this in mind. Things will work out, but I still have to work at it. Or they won't. I hope that makes sense to someone other than me, or else I'm just blathering on here like an idiot.

Oh, wait.

Still a Cat Lady

2011-03-26T16:47:00.000-04:00

Everyone told me that when I had kids, I'd stop caring so much about my cats. Um. Well. They certainly get less attention from me personally than they used to, but I won't say that my level of caring about them has diminished. And one of the greatest stress relievers I know of is still giving this cat a good stretch.

She'll stretch her front paws all the way up in the air, and stretch her back ones as far as they will reach, stretching her toes apart at the end. Then she will hang like a limp noodle and let me do as I wish, which usually means that I put her through a series of contortions that I've named things like "Dancing on the Ceiling" and "Ice Capades" and "Scarf!" She's kind of a pain in the rear sometimes, but I forgive her because she's just so great otherwise.

One of the most annoying things she does is to meow at Zinashi's door when I'm trying to get Zinashi to sleep; usually I will get her and lock her in the bathroom when she does this, but today I decided not to bother since I was at an interesting place in my book. She meowed for a bit, then it was quiet. When I finally exited Zinashi's room, I found she'd put herself in the bathroom and curled up to sleep. Equal parts annoying (the meowing at the door part) and endearing. This is what I try to remember when something I like gets broken by her wild, random exertions.

On Sunday, Zinashi and I arrived home after being gone all day, and the first thing I noticed was a broken tchotchke. And then another. And then another. There were broken bits of nostalgia all over the house, and I was more than a little peeved. I wandered about, picking up bits of things and trying to decide if I could salvage them with superglue, cursing Lucy's nature all the while, until I noticed the bird droppings. Every place there were broken things, there were also bird droppings.

How a bird got into our house I've no idea, but as far as I know, it never exited. We found one tiny feather, and that was all. I guess Lucy had a snack...a snack she had to chase all over the house. I'd call her a little stinker, but how can I blame her? It's probably the most thrilling thing that's ever happened to her in her whole life.

I guess I'll forgive her and move on, just hoping I don't find anymore bird poop in my house.

More Randomness, Just Like Always

2011-03-24T13:16:00.000-04:00

Zinashi and I are having a lazy day. I've pulled a chair for her up to the desk, and she is coloring with pens (big stuff, since I usually have her use crayons or washable markers) while I dink around on the internet. I've swapped out jeans for pajama pants. I am pretending all those dirty dishes in the kitchen just don't exist. It's been a really nice morning.

...

My favorite handbag, the only one that was really working as a carrier of all of our stuff, has finally bitten the dust. I'm sure that someone handy will be able to fix what needs fixing and give it the necessary cleaning attention, but I can't seem to take all the trash out of our car, let alone vacuum out a handbag that also needs leather bits stitched back together. I've carried that bag since 2006; I don't think that's too short a time to warrant a decent replacement. A really decent replacement. I've never had a nice purse. Mine always come from Target or some discount shoe store or Old Navy clearance. So I've asked for this. I know that technically it's a diaper bag, and we are not using diapers, but it's just my style, and has the added benefit of turning into a backpack when we need it to (I'm thinking of the CT/NYC trip we're planning this summer). I would love to be the girl who can just grab a clutch and leave the house, but I am terrible at remembering all the little things when I'm going a specific place, so I really prefer to just always have Zinashi's kit and my reusable bags with me. It will be so nice to have a bag that is just what I want instead of something I found cheap that doesn't really work, that I eventually pass on to my mom. (Yes, this is what I do. If I'd just skipped purchasing all those handbags I eventually passed on to my mother, I would have more than enough to purchase this bag, without having to tweak the budget.) (But then my mom wouldn't have so many lovely bags, so...I guess someone still wins in this situation.)

...

Of all the years to go without purchasing new clothes, this may be the perfect pairing of both the best and the worst. On the one hand, our budget is a lot more limited than it used to be, so it's good not to be tempted by every pretty shirt that comes along. On the other hand, it appears that the five or so pounds that I've gained since Zinashi came home are going to be around for awhile, and there's nothing that will make a girl feel chubby like pants that don't fit quite right. I'm pretty sure I could come to terms with my current body size and shape, if only my tummy weren't threatening to muffin top right over the waist of some of my trousers the moment I sit down. I'm starting to wonder if Spanx count as clothes, and if not, should I just buy some? Or should I keep trying to exercise more, even though it's truly more trouble than it's worth to me at this point? I don't know the answers to those questions. I'd really like to keep to my resolution to not purchase new clothes or shoes, but I'd also like to be comfortable and attractive. Pajama pants do work well for that first part, but they're not that attractive, particularly since most of them were purchased, um...a long time ago. On post-holiday clearance (mostly Halloween--lots of owls and black cats over here). Oh, well.

Three Things, Mostly Unrelated

2011-03-16T23:55:00.001-04:00

1. Today I got a lot done. For the first laundry day since what seems like the beginning of time, I got all the laundry done and folded and put away. I got through a few extra little projects. Zinashi and I took a long walk. I showered. I don't remember what else. But I do know that I was in my pajamas until 2:15pm, and this seems to be a predictor of success. If I've had to get dressed and get out of the house, there's usually a crash late morning, a struggle to put lunch on the table, a nodding of my head as I attempt to stay awake while Zinashi is very successfully avoiding sleep at naptime. It's like I've used up all my steam before 11am. With the absence of coffee, it is often even harder to revive than usual. I hereby resolve to figure out how to stay in my pajamas more days of the week.

2. I cooked a good vegan thing tonight (another accomplishment!). Perhaps you'd like to hear about it? Because maybe you'd like to make it? The key ingredient is something I wouldn't usually buy, jarred madras sauce, which I had a coupon for (Whole Foods shoppers, take note), and I thought, "Eh, why not?" Turns out it's delicious. So, the recipe:

1 jar Seeds of Change Madras Simmer Sauce
1 can coconut milk
1 small can tomato paste
2.5 lbs. potatoes
1 medium onion
3/4 cup red lentils
minced garlic, however much you like--we like a lot

Chop onion and saute in a bit of oil (organic safflower is my current favorite) until onion is soft and starting to brown a bit. While onion is sauteing, peel and cut up your potatoes into bite-sized pieces. Before you're done with the potatoes, your onions will be all set and ready for the next step; in between your potato peeling and chopping, add lentils and enough water to cover. Allow to boil/simmer while you finish with the potatoes, adding a bit more water as necessary to keep the lentils/onions/garlic barely covered. Add potatoes to the pot, adding just enough water to cover them; if some corners of potato are sticking up, that's okay--you don't need a ton of water. Stir in the simmer sauce, coconut milk, and tomato paste. Bring to a boil and reduce heat to a little more than a simmer (to medium-ish). Cook until potatoes and lentils are tender. Serve over brown rice. Easy and delish!

I have no idea what to call it, so make up your own name for it. This recipe makes enough to serve a large family, which means that for us, there's enough for Jarod to take to work the next day, some to save for leftover night, and a nice portion to freeze.

3. I think a lot about diet and exercise and the pressure to be thin. Admittedly, I also think a lot about how I'd like to be a touch thinner. Which is ridiculous but true. I think it's hard to a woman in America and not feel like the body is a thing to be shaped and formed into something better than it already is. I wish I could do better at making my peace with this; it may be something I never figure out. How can I, when our culture is so imbued with references to the perfect body and pushing harder and fighting against fat? While in the meantime, the majority of us are overweight or obese, and it's a health issue, not a perfect body issue. I find this to be endlessly frustrating--that we are hit with a barrage of beauty and body standards while at the same time being inundated with enticements to eat things that simply aren't meant to be eaten, or at least not eaten very much. Again, as a health issue, not a perfect body issue. Are we really so daft as to believe both that we must pursue six pack abs AND eat a sandwich made of fried meat, devoid of a bun? I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I just want some levity. And that's one thing I'm hoping to get out of Lent. Maybe it's not very holy, but then again, maybe it is. I'd like to respect the body I've been given by treating it well, but not making it the whole focus of my life. I have a lot to say about this, it turns out. I guess I should make this a whole other post. But I'll save that for later. Because it's midnight, and I DO have to leave my house in the morning. (Drat.)

My Own Private Lenten Miracles

2011-03-14T23:44:00.000-04:00

So it turns out that menu planning is my new best friend. My old method was to have a lot of our tried and true staples on hand, but with Lent it just doesn't work out. I don't have enough tried and true vegan dinners that I even know where to begin with keeping staples on hand for that. So every week I'm sitting down and writing out the weekly dinner menu, and the added benefit is that I save money every week at the store. I have a feeling this has less to do with making my list based on menu planning and more to do with not being able to eat my usual impulse purchases (most contain dairy and/or eggs, as they are generally baked goods or milk chocolate), but let's go with menu planning! It's a financial miracle!

I'm feeling more confident than I thought I would about Lenten dinner preparation. Vegan dinners are really not so hard, it turns out, if you're comfortable with a wide variety of international flavors and can find the time to chop a lot of vegetables. We eat out once a week, and I'm pretty sure it would be fine with all of us to grab some misir watt at Duo each week, though we'll likely branch out to Blue Koi a couple of times because: Ants on a Tree with tofu, yes PLEASE. (Locals who have been to Blue Koi are nodding, and the rest of you are confused. Sorry to the rest of you--both for confusing you and because you don't have Blue Koi.) So it's working. And I feel good. Even without coffee*. Another miracle!

The one thing that seems to be missing from the Lenten fast for me is a spiritual aspect, which is kind of the point. I don't feel like it's doing much other than teaching me to cook in a new way. But maybe that's part of the point? That I am stretched a bit by learning to feed my family in this way? I'm hoping that's enough. I'm guessing that it is.

*I do allow myself one coffee with dairy per week, at Starbucks on Saturdays when I take Zinashi and my young charge. I don't do non-organic soy for reasons both environmental and personal**, and I figure it's better just to order as usual and not make a big deal out of it. I had my one cup on Saturday, and it was nice. It would have been nicer if I could have sipped it while chatting with a friend instead of in the company of three-year-olds, but I'll take what I can get.

**If you've watched Food, Inc., you know this already, but Monsanto controls 90% of US soybean production. Monsanto has done horrible things to the environment, has manipulated governments to do their bidding, and has destroyed farmers who dared to come up against them. I come from a family of farmers; that's where it gets personal. I no longer consume domestic, non-organic soy products, including M&M's and most other candies. That's how strongly I feel about this issue.

Hear Me Roar

2011-03-09T11:23:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was International Women's Day, but I was too busy being a woman to write about it. No, really. I started off early by taking Jack and Mary Liz for our monthly breakfast, then popped by the grocery store on the way home. From there it was just one thing after another, including our usual Old Lady Mary visit, and Jarod had to work a late-ish shift, so Zinashi was all mine until shortly after 9pm. By that time, I had a raging tension headache, so all was lost aside from zoning out to something on Netflix and self-medicating with chamomile tea. I did spend a lot of the day thinking about what it means to be a woman (no, really, corny but true), and how I continually feel like I am expected to do something other than make a home and be a mother, while at the same time feeling that there's little room for anything else at this moment. Frankly, I don't really mind not having some other career plan or some longing to do more than be good at what I'm doing right now. I feel like I should, but I don't. I have room for improvement as the mother and housewife, so it's not like my life is without challenge. Today I organized the downstairs shelf we use as a pantry, and it made me feel accomplished. What else do I need in life? I do love this piece, as it expresses so much of what I feel and why I make the choices I do in regards to what we buy, eat, and otherwise consume as a family. It's not just about us and about our little family, and I hope to raise our daughter to be the kind of woman that will take what we've done one step, or a thousand steps, farther.

If I were clever, I would insert a video of Zinashi roaring here, but she is sleeping, and I'd prefer to hit publish on this before it's two days late. I'm dangerously close to that line now. See? Always room for improvement in my current situation. Maybe next year, my International Women's Day post will be on time.

In the Beginning

2011-03-07T20:39:00.001-05:00

I pretty much had my own private Mardi Gras last night; it consisted of two cookies and two Lindt chocolates, for which I was not at all hungry. I felt kind of sick afterwards. For those of you not in the know, Jarod and I have been attending an Orthodox Christian church for a year now, and with that has come some new traditions (actually old traditions, but new to us). Orthodox fasts occur several times during the year, but we have yet to fully participate. The Lenten fast, which began today, is THE big fast for Orthodox Christians, and this year we wanted to be a little more intentional about our participation. For the most part, an Orthodox fast is vegan eating, and consumption of wine and oil are also restricted. It's a time to simplify, and I am glad to do it. It's a bit of a juggling act with Zinashi's nutritional needs, so what we've decided to do as a family is to eat our usual breakfast, which includes either eggs or milk every day, and alter the rest. It's fairly easy to slip extra protein onto Zinashi's plate at lunch and to make her snacks more substantial so that our vegan dinner won't be a big deal when it comes to her nutritional needs. I know that there are a lot of families who eat a vegan diet all together, but I'm not comfortable doing that with Zinashi when she was so recently malnourished. And so. Breakfast is for cheaters.

Except for the part where I normally get to have coffee.

I KNOW.

My friend Nicole pointed out that I could still have coffee, but the problem is that I really don't like coffee plain. I like it with half & half and something sweet (lately, chocolate syrup is my favorite) (stop looking at me like that). But half & half isn't part of the Zinashi Sponsored Breakfast Plan, and so. No coffee*. Today I had some jasmine green tea, and I didn't suffer as much as I feared I might. Until later, when I got a headache.

Still, I think the fast is going to be good for us. It was long past time to break some habits and put them back where they belong, in the realm of treats for sometimes but not all of the time. Or ingredients to rely on less (ahem*CHEESE*ahem). I am no ascetic, and I do think that food was meant to be enjoyed, but having whatever you like whenever you'd like to have it takes a lot of joy out of food. It makes the things that really are special seem less so. The weeks ahead may grow tedious, but it's all for the best.

At least, that's what I'm saying on Day One.

*I have tried all sorts of non-dairy alternatives to half & half, and frankly, none of them work for me. It's either a flavor issue or a consistency issue or a film-on-my-teeth issue or some combination of the above. So thank you but no thank you for your suggestions for half & half substitutes. I'd rather just skip the coffee.

I Have No Brain, and Therefore No Title for This Post

2011-03-04T18:30:00.000-05:00

Apparently, after a week of vacation, I need a week of vacation to recover. Not that I would exactly call our trip a vacation--it was more geared towards spending time with people and soaking up some warmer weather--but re-entry into life has been a little bumpy. I guess I didn't realize how tired taking Zinashi into multiple public restrooms every day for a week would make me. Downside to having a daughter as opposed to a son: I'm on bathroom duty when we're out, and if we're "out" for a week, then I'm on bathroom duty for a week. Including when we are following someone else to another destination and stop too late for Zinashi to make it to a toilet. Yes, that happened, and no, it wasn't just pee. Sorry, Starbucks in I'm-not-sure-where, Texas, for the underwear and wipes that caused a bit of an unpleasant aroma in your bathroom. I tried to minimize it, I swear!

(Parenthood is just as glamorous as you imagine it is--get yourself a kid today!)

There's also the issue of trying to get our house in good shape to contend with, and I'll confess right now that I seem capable of doing only one extra thing per day without feeling like I need a nap. Today I put together our new desk and rearranged the art on our walls; I should probably either take two naps or have a third coffee. Or get take-out for dinner.

I do get a certain amount of satisfaction from getting this place ship-shape. It's becoming the house I always dreamt it could be, and it's a shame that we're only getting around to doing this because we'd like to sell it. I guess that's how these things go, and the good news is that we'll be taking far less stuff to our next place, which will hopefully lead to that place becoming the house (or apartment) I always dreamt of.

For now, though, let's just enjoy this photo of the daughter I always dreamt of.

Kansas City to Houston to Austin to Houston to...Sleep, I Hope

2011-02-26T01:02:00.000-05:00

We've driven to Texas to spend the week visiting friends and family, and so far it's going great except for the part where Zinashi and I both miss sleeping in our own house. Also I miss cooking our meals. But it's been good to get away from the horrible winter weather Kansas City is experiencing right now, and I have struggled to keep from bragging about wearing sleeveless shirts.

We've not done anything super exciting, but we've had some really great time to just hang out with friends, and we've taken two trips to IKEA, and Zinashi got to live the dream of pretending to drive a car while sitting in the driver's seat of actual cars, so I think we can consider this trip a success.

We drive back on Monday. I'll likely have more to say after that. Enjoy your weekend.

Help This Film Along, I Beg of You

2011-02-19T16:17:00.001-05:00

I'm about to donate to the completion of this film, and I hope you will, too. This is obviously an issue that is close to my heart; though the nationality of the girls is different from my own girl, many of the issues they deal with will be the same ones with which Zinashi will grapple as she grows up.

Here's the trailer for Somewhere Between.

TRAILER: Somewhere Between - A Feature Documentary from Linda Knowlton on Vimeo.

Donate here.

Thanks to Rebecca for the info and all the links.

Moving on Up...or...Somewhere

2011-02-18T16:48:00.000-05:00

I'm starting to feel a little manic about our house. We had a realtor come by today to tell us what we need to do to get it ready to sell, and then he recommended putting it on the market in April and ACK! THE BASEMENT! IS FULL OF CRAP! I have never been so ready to let go of things I was unsure about parting with. Here, take this! And this! And this other thing! If you come over, I might shove something at you and make you take it home. Would you like this nice serving piece that is shaped like fall leaves and comes with a lazy susan? Say yes!

As much as I have complained about it over the years, I will miss this house, and I think that particularly once we have everything all fixed up properly, it will be really hard to let go. That and the fact that we brought our daughter home to this house, and it is where we built our first bit of family life in the US. I've also poured a lot of time and thought and energy into making this house what it is, and it is very much my house now. (As opposed to being a messy bachelor pad that I endured in the beginning--Jarod has pretty much let me It's hard not to mourn something that I've worked so hard on.

The part of all this that I'm not mentioning is why we are selling, which is that we're hoping for a new job for Jarod in another city. He doesn't have one yet, but we would rather know the house is sold and have to figure out what to do in the meantime than to suddenly have a job on the coast and be stuck with a mortgage for a house we don't live in. It's smarter this way, even if it might be trickier. I do hate to uproot Zinashi more times than is necessary, but looking at the bigger picture, in which we are making a better life for her (and creating more room for completing our family), we know this is a good thing to do. We're just going to trust that it will work out as it's meant to, and in the meantime, work our tails off for the entire month of March. I'm pretty sure Jarod is terribly excited about that.

I, personally, am excited about making enough money selling our crap to afford one chair.

I'm sure I can make enough more to pay for the second one, which is already sitting in our garage.

(Yes, I did buy both. What? There were only two left that were in decent shape.)

(And also we got a new desk.)

(Spendthrift!)

Downsizing

2011-02-15T01:17:00.000-05:00

When Jarod and I got married, we weren't exactly straight out of college with little to our names. He already owned the house we live in, and even had a full basement to prove it. (This is how you know you own the home: the basement fills up with a LOT of crap because no one is going to come and suggest you might not get your security deposit back if a family of rabid squirrels move in and you don't figure it out because your basement is too full.) I had a full apartment and a basement storage locker with enough stuff to fill half of Jarod's garage. Combining our accumulated junk was no easy task, and if you couple it with my urge to purchase other people's old junk because it's cute, well...it's been an ongoing battle to keep the house from becoming something worthy of being on Hoarders. Throw in turning our second bedroom from an office into our daughter's room, then add in all the gifts she's been given, and it's even more of a challenge. A steady stream of stuff has been leaving our house since the day I moved in, but we still keep having to work out the particulars of what gets kept versus what gets donated versus what gets sold.

I always thought that if I just got rid of things that we didn't use or need, then we would magically have a clean and organized house. It turns out that not only is it hard to recognize all the things we truly don't need (though I am getting better at it), it's also hard to see the forest for the trees if you've got a lot of big furniture stuffed into a small space. The thing that originally tipped me off to this was our purchase of a new couch last year. Just getting something a touch sleeker made our living room look so much bigger. What would happen, I wondered, if I were to remove all the huge pieces of furniture (some of which we use primarily to catch junk mail and Zinashi's random stuff) and replace them with something smaller, sleeker, better? I don't know the answer to that question, or at least the final answer, but I do know that right now it looks like four big bags of books to be sold at Half Price Books and several pieces of furniture to be Craigslisted as soon as I can take the photos. I will sell more to get less, materially speaking, but I will also sell it to get more.

More space.

More organization.

More letting go of the things that we really don't need.

More of what we truly like as opposed to what we were making work due to lack of other ideas.

And, frankly, more cute. (I'm hoping to sell enough on Craigslist to acquire a matching pair.)

A Few Random Things

2011-02-08T13:37:00.001-05:00

First up: no buying new clothes or shoes for 2011. Are you wondering if I made it through even the first month? Um, kind of. I'm going to have to make some exceptions along the way, I think. I am determined that none be fashion-related, but have accepted that there will be some necessities I simply need to purchase. As you may know, we've had a very snowy winter, and our driveway is very steep. Shoveling it wouldn't really help, so we just put on snow boots to go up and down the drive. This would be just fine if the lining of one of my snow boots hadn't disintegrated and collapsed down into the boot, making them neither warm nor waterproof, and uncomfortable to boot. (To boot! See what I did there? With the boots and the "to boot"?) So in the interest of getting myself and a small person up and down the drive safely and without exhausting my supply of knee socks by getting one sock wet every time I went up or down the drive, I went to Target and got some new snow boots on clearance for $9.98. They're ugly, but they work. So there's that. Also, I think I will have to buy another sports bra. Just what you want to hear about, right? I could do an extra load of laundry each week, but sorting out workout clothes from all the rest would take a lot of time and effort that is much better spent in other ways. So to Target I will go to get the cheapest sports bra available.

Which leads me to my next point, which is about my workout. And how much I like it. Well, not like it necessarily--I mean, there are still days I'd much rather take a nap or fritter away my time on a hobby--but it's really doable. I can do it six days a week without feeling completely overwhelmed or exhausted, and thus there is a need for one more sports bra since I only own five. I just...do it. I put on the workout clothes and start the DVD, and finish the DVD, and that's that. Well, except that three days a week I do both DVDs, like a crazy person. I find I can get completely through one DVD and partway through the second one during Zinashi's nap, leaving a bit to finish up while she is awake, but not so much that she gets antsy and angsty because my focus is clearly elsewhere. I usually do the dance one second, as she thinks that is funniest, and also because she doesn't try to lie down on me during the abs section or get upset because I am using the whole mat, and she obviously also needs to use the mat! She is working out! Move over!

And now, finally, the thing I mull over every single day, which is the question of why I am intent on working out so many days a week. The answer is that I am brainwashed by my culture. No, really. I was looking at some old photos I took in Photo Booth, and I found some that I had taken to see how an outfit looked in a photo as opposed to in a mirror (please tell me that someone else does this, too), and I noticed how slim I looked. I remember clearly being dissatisfied with my shape at that time, and really? What? I looked awesome. Dear self of two years ago, you need to cool it with the negative self image. You look fabulous. Love, the you of now who is a bit fluffier.

But it's no wonder that I thought I didn't look good, or good enough, or wasn't perfect enough. Everywhere there are messages telling us that we should want to be thinner and more "fit" and that we should want to trick nature and be the same (thin) size all year round and...UGH. The other day I ran across and article that was talking about how, biologically speaking, our bodies are designed to gain more weight in the colder months. The article went on to espouse how we could circumvent our bodies' natural inclinations in order to remain svelte all year long. That struck me as completely ridiculous. If my body is inclined to have a bit more insulation in the winter, why shouldn't I let it? The only answer to that is so that I can have a body that looks a certain way year round. Not a body that functions well and is healthy, but a body that has a certain appearance. I just can't buy into that. I can buy into eating well so that our bodies are healthy and strong, and I can buy into working out to balance out an unnaturally sedentary lifestyle, but I can't get behind a philosophy that says we must do these things in order to look a certain way. And what I am hoping is that I can somehow break myself of the habit of looking at my body as something of an ornament as opposed to the beautiful, functional thing that it is.

I'm a Little Bit Slow

2011-02-02T14:12:00.000-05:00

For a few weeks now I've been laying out a week's worth of outfits for Zinashi, tucked neatly in her bottom drawer, and if I remember, I pull out the next day's outfit at bedtime. (If not, I stumble in bleary-eyed in the morning after Zinashi comes repeatedly to the bedside yelling, "Clothes! CLOTHES!") And for the most part, she looks fabulous every single day. Because I laid everything out ahead of time, when I had time, when I wasn't rushed or stressed out.

It took me until today to figure out that I could do the same for myself.

But now! Outfits are hung neatly in the closet--not quite a week's worth, since the weather forecast isn't reliable for that long, but enough to get me through to another day when I can lay more out, unhurried and unstressed. I intend to look somewhat fabulous every single day. Starting tomorrow. Because today? Right now? I am still wearing my pajamas.

I Win!

2011-01-29T23:45:00.001-05:00

You guys! I got nominated for two awards! And I think I won them! But I don't really know how this all works because these are the kinds of awards for which they make you answer questions about yourself, and also, they were given to me by the same person so I don't know if I'm just awesome in the desert or also in my real life, here at home, in the not-desert, where my driveway is covered in snow. Still. After two warmish days. But whatever, it doesn't really matter. I like the kind of thing where there are questions to be answered, as it keeps me from having to come up with my own topic. I would probably just write about my workout again. (I totally would, actually, and don't you want me to shut up about that already? Go ask Gwyneth about my workout; she's already experienced results.) So without further ado, the awards and their accompanying questions.

The first award:

For this one I'm supposed to answer ten questions and then give the award to seven other bloggers. I will answer the ten questions and get back to you on the other part. I guess I'm just not versatile enough to get it all done at once. Perhaps whitegirl should take back the award. I'd better answer the questions before she tries.

1. Why did you create this blog?
Because I felt like it. Really. That's it. I had another blog that was on a smaller site with fewer features, and I started that because I like to write and it seemed like a fun an interesting thing to do. That was in 2002. Clearly, I still like doing it, because now I've got this blog and the adoption/family blog.

2. What kind of blogs do you follow?
Usually ones having to do with family or home or travel or decorating or fashion or kids or pets or something else I find interesting. Mostly I follow those who have a voice I either admire or feel I can relate to (or both, usually both).

3. Favorite makeup brand?
It varies. For color, I like Benefit a whole lot; I got started with their cheek stain and then pretty soon it was eye shadow and lipstick and mascara. For foundation, which I don't bother to wear much of the time due to time constraints (it's just quicker to do cheek stain and powder and a bit of mascara), I love the Stila all-in-one formula. I used to use a separate primer and foundation by Smashbox, and would do so again if I were gifted with an extra thirty minutes each day. (Okay, that's actually a lie; I would take a nap with those extra thirty minutes.) I used to use a powder that I L-O-V-E-D from Origins, but I can't afford it anymore, so now I use a Sonia Kashuk powder from Target, and it works just fine to mop up the oil field on my face.

4. Favorite clothing brand?
Um, that I can afford or that I like? There's a dress brand called Floreat at Anthropologie, and I pretty much love every single dress they make.

5. Indispensable makeup item?
Powder. I'm very oily.

6. Favorite color?
Yellow.

7. Favorite perfume?
Lollia Wish. I don't own any, but hope to soon. Like on Valentine's Day. (*hint*hint*JAROD*hint*) I also really like Burberry Brit, but generally I think of that as a winter scent and not great for summer.

8. Favorite film?
This is always such a hard question, but I always answer the same: Wings of the Dove. I love the story and the setting and the cinematography. But really, any costume drama is tops with me. I recently was found watching and re-watching Young Victoria, and before that it was Bright Star. So romantic costume dramas, actually.

9. What country would you like to visit and why?
I cannot make this choice. We are planning our usual trip to London and Nice next fall because at this point in time we like our vacations to be comfortable and familiar, with a few new things thrown in (easy to do from both locations), but I'd also like to see more of the world. I've long wanted to visit Myanmar, and I've never been anywhere in South America, so that's where I'd start making the list. Or maybe I'll just visit the bestower of these awards in her undisclosed desert location.

10. Would you rather forget to put on mascara on one eye or blush on one side of your face?
Either one would be fine, actually, if it's just daytime makeup. I use a light hand with both, so I don't think it would be too noticeable.

Whew. That just took me...far too long. Let's just move on to the second award.

The second award is:

For this one I'm supposed to tell seven things about myself. There's also that pesky thing about choosing other bloggers to give the award to. I will have to beg off on that part for this bit as well since it's late and I haven't showered and all sorts of other excuses. But the seven things I can give you, and since this is a stylish blogger award, I'll just tell you seven style-related things. He we go:

1. I love striped shirts. I currently own nine, and once I am through with my year of buying no new clothing, you can bet your bottom dollar that I'll buy another just as soon as I can get to TJMaxx.

2. I shop mostly at two stores: Target and TJMaxx. This is because they are near my house and cheap.

3. I also love (love love love love love) Anthropologie. Is there a girl who doesn't? If there is something special there that I love, I wait for it to go on clearance and pounce. One time, I bought a dress that was not on clearance, and it was a life-changing experience.

4. Okay, also I love (love love love love love) Boden. Some of the best bits of my wardrobe have come from them, and though they tend to be a bit pricey, all my items have been at least somewhat discounted and totally worth the cost. One of the best things about Boden is that they give garment measurements as well as the usual size chart, so you can tell what size of a particular garment will fit your particular body shape. I wear two different sizes in trousers depending on the cut, so this is essential information for me.

5. I like to have a new pair of shoes to wear on vacation. In anticipation of 2011's lack of shoe shopping, I picked up a pair of black sequined flats, and they are boxed and stowed away for such a time as I am about to board a plane for France.

6. My favorite outfits involve jackets and cardigans. I like to layer.

7. I'm not always so great at choosing accessories for an outfit, and if I am running late, sometimes I'll skip them altogether. I have to have time to figure out what looks right, and I'd rather go without than put on something that looks awkward with my outfit.

Thanks to whitegirl for nominating me for these two awards. This has been fun and flattering.

Apparently I Also Need to Work Out my Memory

2011-01-27T00:21:00.000-05:00

Every single time I start a new workout or eating plan, this same thing happens, and every single time, I end up googling it and finding the same articles, but it is never until I see those same articles that I realize that oh, yes, right: this has happened before. Before I start to get trimmer, I get reeeeeeeally bloated. Everywhere. Probably even in my eyelids, though there's nothing that has to zip or button over those, so it's not as obvious. I am a giant mass of puffiness, and there isn't anything to be done about it except keep doing the new thing, knowing that eventually it works itself out. And knowing, too, that the next time I fall off the workout or nutrition wagon and try to get back on (which, let's face it, the amount of Nutella I've been consuming indicates that I'm not on the nutrition wagon at this point in time), it will happen all over again.

Tomorrow, I'm wearing jersey knits. You can call me Yoga Pant Mom, and it will simply be the truth.

Home Alone, Blathering on About My Workout

2011-01-24T13:37:00.001-05:00

Jarod needed to return some Christmas presents, and he took Zinashi with him. Isn't that nice? It's so nice. I should probably bake him some cookies or something; I haven't done that in awhile. For now, though, I'm sitting at the desk in my sweaty workout clothes with a cat holding down my lap. And it's nice. So nice.

So about those sweaty workout clothes...I got my Tracy Anderson Dance Cardio DVD in the mail on Saturday and started doing it yesterday. Today is Day 2. And it's hard, but in a good way. I'm not sure if anyone else experiences this with traditional workout videos, but there are always a good number of times during the workout that I just feel heavy. Usually it's during some crazy jumping move in which I'm supposed to start in plank and then end up upright, but sometimes it's just doing something normal. I might be carrying some extra pounds, but not that many, and this always discouraged me and made me not want to do the workout. I'd think with dread about all those exercises during which the entire weight of my body would be pulled towards the earth with the force of super special exercise gravity, and it made me want to just use that gravity to adhere myself more firmly to my chair.

This workout, though, is just dancing. Whatever heaviness I feel is only a result of being aware of the extra mass I'm carrying (because I can feel it, which I know is probably a little neurotic of me, but it's just...there--I can't really explain the feeling any other way) and not because I'm trying to get my usual mass plus the little extra from a prone position to standing in one not-so-fluid movement. Which is not to say that the new workout isn't fraught with my clumsy mistakes, but it's different. I get better at it every time I do it. That part is incredibly rewarding, plus dancing is really fun. Add to that the fact that the cardio work required to dance that enthusiastically is significant, and we have a winner of a workout. I say this only having fully learned one dance of the eight (eight! a challenge for Clumsy McTripperton!) and having started the second one, but if the other dances are like these, the workout will move really fast, and that's always a good thing. I abhor treadmills partly because I get so bored (and partly because I sometimes fall off), so anything that will move fast for me is good. What really seals the deal, though, is that Tracy doesn't talk about anything but the dance combinations while she is giving instruction, and then when you actually do the workout with the dances up to speed, she says nothing. NOTHING! No negative body image talk, no "get ripped abs" nonsense, nothing. I can do it with Zinashi in the room and not be sending an endless stream of body perfection crap to her young ears.

After reading a ton of reviews, I did decide to order the companion DVD (or maybe I have that backwards--I think the other one is the main one, and this is the cardio companion, but whatever), which is a mat workout. People either love or hate these, it seems, but I'm not looking for the perfect workout for everyone, just something that will work for me. Most of the people with my body type who reviewed it had a positive experience. Some others did not. Personal trainers in particular seem to take issue with this DVD (though none of them that reviewed it--NONE--had actually done the workout), and one went so far as to say that you should work with heavier weights and do more weight training so that you can carry your kids and your groceries without hurting yourself. I find this hilarious, because guess what? I carried my kid and my groceries without hurting myself when I wasn't working out at all. And do you know how I trained myself to carry my kid and groceries, and kept that level of fitness up? By carrying my kid and my groceries. It's not rocket science, and it doesn't require an internet certification course either. I have a certain fitness level because of the things I do every day. I'm not looking for a workout that will make me herculean, just one that will keep my fitness level up for the sake of my health.

And frankly, yes, I would like my pants to fit a little better. If you'll recall, I'm not buying new ones until 2012, and there's that aforementioned extra mass hanging about. So I'll give the two Tracy Anderson DVDs a go and see how I do. So far, so good.

We Interrupt This Laundry Folding Session for..Nothing, Actually

2011-01-19T16:42:00.002-05:00

You know you love leggings under dresses too much when you figure out that your party clothes are more comfortable than your regular clothes. It may look like I'm going to a small birthday gathering or somesuch later this evening, but really I'm just doing the laundry. I somehow stocked my closet with trousers that are fine but not super comfortable (except for the single pair of skinny jeans that I wore four days in a row and finally had to wash) and leggings that go under slightly fancy dresses. I'm still a bit, um, softer than usual thanks to my adoption-related weight gain (not that there's anything wrong with that), so if I'm looking to be comfortable, guess what I pick to wear? I guess it's good that I know how to spot clean silk.

Which brings me (sort of) to the point I'm about to make, or the announcement, or something, since announcement sounds like it's going to be exciting. It's not. But still.

I ordered a new workout video today.

Yes, that's it. I know, I know, just try to contain your excitement while I make this one point that I sat down at my computer to make.

Here is why I did it: negative body talk in all of my workout videos. As much as I love taking up Zinashi's entire naptime trying to fit in a workout and shower instead of taking a few moments to relax, I've found that I really would prefer to work out while she is awake. She'll think it's funny, and I'll have more time to ~~sit on my butt in front of the internet~~ do household tasks while she sleeps. But I don't want to subject her to talk about getting rid of parts of me that I supposedly hate or doing hard work to get perfect abs or any of that nonsense. There is nothing wrong with my body now except that it's not at the size that indicates I'm living my life in a healthy way. There is nothing wrong with the little pooch of my tummy or my butt not being perfect or anything else of that nature. Women were made a little soft. Get over it, six pack abs people. I don't want my daughter growing up thinking she needs to look a certain way to be considered beautiful or fit or worthy of attention, so I'm not going to let her hear those messages from my workouts.

To that end, I've ordered the Tracy Anderson Dance Cardio DVD. I'm really not sure what Tracy says about anything on the video, but I do know that all the reviews point to a "lack of cueing," which means she doesn't talk a lot. It's also a workout that, once I learn the dances (which, let's face it, for someone as uncoordinated as me, it might take awhile), I can put to my own music if I want and completely turn off any sound should Tracy decide to encourage me to have a "perfect" body. So we'll see how it goes. I like a little workout mixup every so often, and Zinashi thinks it's hilarious when I try to do a choreographed dance routine, so I'm pretty sure it will be a hit. Tracy Anderson is Gwyneth Paltrow's trainer as well as Madonna's, so I've promised Jarod that I won't get all waify like Gwyneth or ropey like Madonna. Let's hope that works out because I don't find either look to be particularly attractive. I just want to be able to wear normal pants comfortably while doing the laundry. The party look should be saved for another day; spot cleaning silk is bound to get really old really fast.

Dental Wonder

2011-01-11T00:40:00.000-05:00

Despite the snowy weather, this morning I showed up for my dental appointment with family in tow. Zinashi eyed what they were doing (just a cleaning) and declined the offer to make an appointment for her. Thanks to a fairly terrifying medical procedure that's fairly common in Ethiopia, I doubt she'll want to open her mouth wide for any procedure at any office that looks even remotely medical. I, however, submit to my cleaning and accept the praise my dentist doles out at the end, about how the tartar buildup on my lower teeth really isn't my fault, because clearly the rest of my mouth looks perfect. I win at oral hygiene!

Which, fine, isn't really something to go bragging about, but I needed to feel competent in some area of my life. I've had all too many nights lately begin with me asking Jarod what Groupons we have for dinner, and then when I do cook, I can't seem to do the dishes in a timely manner. And let's not talk about the rest of the house. It's too depressing.

They say (and I really can't even tell you who "they" are, since there are so many of them, and I am too ~~lazy~~ overwhelmed to link to all) that it feels better after you've been home with your child six months, and then at nine months it's like something just clicks, and you can do it. This gives me a smidge of hope, but then I look around my house and can't imagine when I'll figure out how to get it clean the way I want it to be clean. And forget about the basement. Zinashi received a playmat for Christmas, to be used in the basement, but unfortunately, it did not come with a professional organizer to help me get things in order down there.

What frustrates me most is that I can take care of these things myself; honestly, I do not need anyone to tell me where to put things in my own basement, and I am a perfectly competent cook and housekeeper. It's just that I run out of time, or energy, or motivation, or all three, and then all hope is lost. If the current trend continues, we will drown in a mountain of stuff, as if we are hoarders, when the truth is that I'd really love to give away/recycle/throw out a whole lot of this clutter, but I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. It's enough to just get through the day to day tasks, to not become complete slobs who should just go ahead and hang out a sign that says VERMIN WELCOME HERE, LOTS OF CRUMBS AVAILABLE.

So when my dentist says that I'm doing an excellent job with my teeth, well, I'm thrilled. I won't walk away from the praise. If all else fails, and they have to dig us out from under piles of junk mail and empty Annie's Bunny Grahams packets and a kajillion empty frappuccino bottles, at least I can come out smiling, and you'll see those pearly whites just gleam.

Goals

2011-01-04T16:47:00.003-05:00

I always wish that results of better eating and new commitment to working out would be immediate, or at least a bit speedier; it would help me to stick to my goals better. Not that eating better and working out are New Year's resolutions--it's more like, hey, I've just come off a month of eating things I don't normally touch, and feeding my family things that others (bakery employees, for instance) have made, and now I'm feeling a little bit heavy, a touch out of sorts. I actually craved whole wheat toast one morning when we were in the thick of finishing off a package of croissants, and if you know me, you'll understand that this is highly irregular, especially when there's Nutella also on the table. But it is what it is, and I am craving homemade, wholesome, simpler fare. A touch less butter, perhaps. A lot less cake. It's not just that my pants are tight, it's that I don't feel as well as I normally do.

There's also the component of adoption weight gain to deal with. A lot of people have made jokes with me about regaining my figure so quickly, but A) Many adoptive mothers gain weight, too, so it's not that much of a joke; and B) I've done nothing of the sort, thanks to the holidays following a month of delicious meal deliveries. In Ethiopia, I lost all I'd gained during the wait between seeing Zinashi's face and getting on the plane to go to her, but the bumpy adjustment to life in the States brought it all back home to me. I'm not so much a stress eater as I tend to let a lot of things go when I am stressed out. I have less energy to do things like cook a meal every evening or get in at least three workouts per week. So here I am, a little rounder around the middle than usual, and while it's not the end of the world, I can physically feel the extra bulk as I'm walking around (and not just because my pants are more snug), and I don't like the feeling. So. Goals. Here they are.

1. I'd like to stop eating things just because I think I should, and return to paying attention to what I really am hungry for and how much.

2. I'd like to exercise when I feel up to it.

I realize that these are very loose goals, and that's the point. I don't want to go on a diet or exercise for the sake of exercising. I want to eat what my body indicates it needs and make vigorous movement part of my life because I know it makes me feel good. I know that some people really need a regimen to stick to, but at this point I want what I do to be less forced and more natural. I want to flip that switch that takes me back to more mindful care of my body. More water, because I'm thirsty. More vegetables because they taste good. More exercise because I feel so great when I'm done. In the process, I know that extra bulk will fall off, and I will feel more myself again. Not in the best shape of my life, or with a bikini-ready body by summer, or anything else beauty magazines espouse. Just myself, with my outer layer the shape it is when I am healthy. An example to my daughter of what good health looks like. Not an obsession with being thin or eating the exact right things every single day or exercising myself into the ground, but just healthy. Not perfect, but then again...perfect.

Setting My Intentions

2010-12-30T23:56:00.002-05:00

The past eighteen months have been both exciting and draining for me, and I feel in retrospect as if my life were steered almost exclusively by making Zinashi's adoption a reality. I think we could easily refer to 2010 as The Year of Zinashi, and call that good. Because it is and was and will be. In 2011, I want to focus on enjoying the family we have created, while at the same time recognizing in the back of my mind that there is someone else for whom to prepare. Some of it is out of my hands; much of it is within my reach, at least in terms of practicalities.

One gift that spending a month in Ethiopia gave me is that I recognize how much I have materially. And while I have still gone out and gotten some clothes that I really didn't need, my lust for stuff has been tempered somewhat. But it's hard in our culture to just cut out something that every woman supposedly loves to do. Still, I'm going to try it. For 2011, I will not be purchasing any new clothes or shoes. I want to recognize that I have not only enough, but more than enough. I want to let go of the feeling that newer is better and that some certain item will make me more attractive/desirable/happy. And I want to save some money so that when we're ready in our hearts for The Year of Evelina*, we'll be ready financially.

Doing this alone will not make a huge financial difference--it's not like I'm going on shopping sprees on a regular basis or something--but I find that when I get something in order in one area of my life, other changes often follow. I'm open to whatever comes up. It's going to be a good year. A very, very good year.

*Yes, I already chosen a name for our next child. I'm ridiculous. I know that already.

It's a Gift...or Maybe a Burden

2010-12-24T11:26:00.004-05:00

If Bill O'Reilly is right, and God helps those who help themselves, then God will not be helping me at all.

Because I can't help myself. They really shouldn't make children's shirts large enough to fit grown women.

Merry Christmas, everyone. May your holiday be full of sparkle!

Neglectful

2010-12-19T10:33:00.002-05:00

It's true, I have been neglecting this blog. It's because I've found a new blog, and it's taking up more of my time. I'm sorry. Kind of. I think most of you are reading over there anyway, right? RIGHT? But still, I should keep this up, if for no other reason than the fact that Zinashi will someday grow up and go to college, and I'll still need a place for myself on the internet. So let's catch up, shall we?

First of all, I have not provided Tuesdays with Old Lady Mary photos for the past two Tuesdays. Here they are:

Tuesday, December 7

Tuesday, December 14

As always, click on the photo for more details on the outfits and OLM's reactions.

And now, the long-awaited update, brought to you by the fact that I'm a delicate little introverted flower. I sent Jarod off to church with Zinashi this morning and stayed home, mostly because the thought of having to get out of my house and see a lot of people made me want to cry. Scratch that--not want to cry, I did cry. Just a little bit, but still. STILL. I have written about figuring out motherhood as in introvert on our adoption blog here, here, and here. One thing I didn't think about until last night, when Zinashi and I went to the first big holiday gathering of the year, was how much more stressful the holidays would be for me, even with (somewhat) fewer gatherings to attend. I think the stress was compounded by Jarod working three late evenings this week, plus the fact that we now have three different gathering to attend this weekend, and I'm flying solo for two of them (last night's being the first). So. Deep breaths. I can do this. People do harder things than this all the time without crying, so I don't need to have a pity party. I'm just going to sit here and drink my Ethiopian coffee for a few minutes and then have a lovely shower and get my house in order. Because of course that bothers me, too. Let's throw another log on my stressed out fire! Hooray!

No, but really, I'm going to be fine. I am fine. I love mothering my daughter, and the rest of it just needs to be figured out and settled into. I'm getting there; I'm just not there yet. But I've got time. I've got lots and lots of time. Two hours alone this morning, in fact. Thank heaven and my longsuffering husband.

Merry Christmas.

Saturday Confessional

2010-12-11T15:15:00.004-05:00

Sometimes when I buy chocolate as a gift for someone else, I have to go back and buy more because I eat what I bought. Such is the case today, but hey--I cleaned up pee and did pee laundry and PEE PEE PEE PEE PEE, an entire lake of pee beneath my toddler.

Also, I sometimes make my child a meal made up entirely of colorless foods.

While she is peeing on the floor.

Yes, that happened. Halfway through cutting up the banana, a little voice called out, "Mami! Shint-y dee schmetti!" ("Pee is coming," in sort-of-Amharic.) But pee wasn't coming, it had already arrived, down her legs, onto her socks, into her brand new shoes, into a giant puddle beneath her. You'd have thought she was a Great Dane or something.

So we changed everything she was wearing, and I mopped up the giant puddle, and when she was asleep, I started the pee laundry.

That's why I'm eating this Chocolove bar that I bought as a stocking stuffer for someone else. I think I earned it.

I'll get another one tomorrow.

And I'll try not to eat that one, too.

Because WOW these are good.

PS: Chocolove people, I will gladly be your spokesmodel if you'll provide me with a lifetime supply of these delicious chocolate bars.

PPS: And also maybe bigger pants.

Life Right Now: A Vignette

2010-12-09T17:27:00.002-05:00

After her nap, my daughter asks to change her clothes, and I say sure. She chooses a shirt because it has pockets, and she loves pockets. I do not check the size, pulling it over her head before I realize it's too small.

How do you say "high water" as it applies to shirts?

This Tuesday With Old Lady Mary

2010-12-01T16:11:00.003-05:00

The following photo illustrates A) how adorable my daughter is every single moment of the day, and B) what your hair will look like if you sleep on it wet and don't move all night, then attack it with a flatiron. Yes, the flatiron won't help me now. It's all over.

As usual, click on the pic for more details of this Tuesday's outfits and OLM's reactions.

I wore that skirt all day, even though it's a touch uncomfortable while sitting. I guess it kept me from sitting. Also keeping me from sitting: laundry, dishes, general housewifery. Not that I'd ever seriously refer to myself as a housewife. Sure, I'm a wife, and I am the one who takes care of our house, but there's a lot more to what I do than just housework.

For example, I also like to daydream about basement shelving.

Oh, wait. Crap. Now I'm a stereotype.

Seriously, though, I never feel like the word housewife sounds like me. Taking care of our house and our daughter is very much a creative pursuit for me, and I would hardly relegate it to just the humdrum of life. (Not that there's not plenty of humdrum in there, but isn't that true of everyone's life and work?) It's satisfying to me. I like it. And that's good enough, is it not? I'm pretty sure that it is.

Do I Look Thirty-Five to You?

2010-11-30T00:28:00.002-05:00

You can say no if you want to.

Yesterday was my birthday, and it was really good, mostly because I am so happy with life right now. I mean, sure, I still did dishes on my birthday, and when I rocked Zinashi to sleep, she tried to lick me to keep herself awake (brilliant move, but I only laugh the first time, little lady), but those things are good, too.

Not that I wouldn't accept a year's worth of maid services in honor of making it halfway to seventy, but I'm just saying: life is good, dishes and all. We're still working out the kinks of day to day life. I never get everything done in a day that I'd like to get done, but I'm making my peace with that, just like I'm making my peace with some other things about life that simply are what they are right now. A month in Ethiopia taught me a few things about what things are really important, and a perfectly clean house and perfectly svelte figure aren't among them. I'd say that loving others well, being generous, and taking the focus off myself and my own preoccupation with the perfect house/figure/life are the main lessons there. It's hard to love others well and be generous if all my time is spent scrutinizing my figure and making sure my house looks like Martha Stewart's staff has dropped by for a few weeks of intense labor, and all my money is spent on products to make myself or my child or my home look better. It is hard to get away from that mindset--it is so very, very American these days--but I'm working on it. I suppose that's what I want for age thirty-five--just to get better at knowing what is worthwhile and what is petty and not worth my time. While I'm getting there, I plan to enjoy the ride.

Tuesdays with Old Lady Mary

2010-11-23T16:26:00.004-05:00

Finally, my triumphant return to visit Old Lady Mary. And guess what? I am no longer the star of this show. I kind of figured that would happen.

Click on each photo for more details of our outfits. Since Zinashi is now going with me each week, it's twice the fun and twice the posts. If you read our adoption blog as well, you'll see the same photos both here and there each week, with the post on the adoption blog being a little more Zinashi-centric (naturally).

In other news, 100% me-related (navel-gazer!), I cleared the breakfast dishes off the table at 2:49pm today. Progress! Aren't you proud?

I Have a Dream

2010-11-22T16:25:00.005-05:00

I have been mulling over the idea of pursuing dreams lately, and I find that many approaches to pursuing dreams really bother me. It's not that I don't think people should go after what they would like to do; after all, Jarod and I have dreams of our own that we are moving toward slowly and steadily. What troubles me is that there is not recognition that living our dreams is a luxury. This living the dream stuff is a very Western idea (even though people often head east to pursue better understanding). Were you born poor and in a rural area in a third world nation, this would not be your story. You probably wouldn't have heard of Oprah, and your idea of living your best life might simply be to find the $7 per child necessary to purchase the uniforms they need for school. On your annual income of $160, no less. And did I mention you would likely have at least four children?

Pursuing dreams is fantastic, and I am particularly in favor of those dreams that are of benefit to others, but it is not the be-all end-all in this life. Whether you believe that this life is just one part of what will continue for eternity or that this is it, I think that it can be highly satisfying to live in a way that treats others kindly, even if it means we never reach some of our other dreams. I just don't think your dreams are worth living if to pursue them, you treat others poorly. At the end of each day, when I send the last email and turn out the lamps and crawl into bed next to my daughter, what really matters is whether I treated people well. It matters to the people my life touches (whether they are in my life that day or down some other long chain of events something I've done helps set in motion or keeps in motion), and if it stops mattering to me, well, heaven help me to realize it.

I am dismayed particularly when I read the words of someone I know has behaved supremely unkindly towards another, and they speak of living the dream and making sacrifices and putting themselves in an uncomfortable position in order to chase what they really desire. It sickens me, really. Because here's the thing: I'm not against sacrifice, but if your sacrifice is another human being, then you're doing it wrong.

And so I respond with a dream of my own. I dream of the kind of world where we treat each other with kindness, where it matters more how we treat others than if we had our dream career. I dream of people who understand that the opportunity to be love to someone else is far greater than any other opportunity out there. But then, what do I know? My biggest dreams already came true.

Reality

2010-11-18T16:31:00.002-05:00

I've always been a cluttery person, but as an adult I've really enjoyed cleaning everything up once a week and having a space for every item so it's easier to do that. In theory, I should still be able to maintain this, but in practice, I really want to use the forty-five minutes that remain of Zinashi's naptime after I've done the bare necessities of housekeeping (which takes up the first forty-five minutes of her naptime) to catch up on e-mail and zone out in front of some blogs. So instead of managing to get--and keep--things organized, our house looks like this:

Yes, that is just a small sample of our space, but I assure you that the rest of the house looks very much the same. Piles of random things in random places, the cat wandering about, and Zinashi and me goofing off instead of getting work done. I do get a few things done while she is awake, but until our boundaries are established a little better, much of the time I'm leaving something half done to figure out if what she's throwing through the cat door, or why she is suddenly so quiet. So this is our reality, and it's not half bad.

Let's just hope it doesn't get worse, right?

Just the Mom

2010-11-16T00:09:00.005-05:00

Tonight at 6:34pm, I finally cleared the breakfast dishes off the table. I'd like to say a huge YOU'RE WELCOME both to our cat, Lucy Snowe, who was able to lap up a bit of every drink that didn't get finished, and at her leisure, no less, and also to all of you who now feel like your housekeeping skills are more than adequate. I mean, sheesh, if that girl with just one kid can't clear the breakfast dishes until it's time for dinner, then you are A-OK, am I right?

But what can I say? We needed to go to the zoo, which is free for Kansas City, Missouri, residents for the entire month of November. There's a new polar bear, and if you don't think it's important to see the new polar bear for free, then we need to talk about your priorities. What are you doing, clearing the breakfast dishes from the table in a timely manner or something?

As far as we know, the only zoo that Zinashi had ever visited was the Lion Zoo in Addis, where she went with us and was terrifed of a tiny deer-like animal who was both tethered and behind a fence. I'm pretty sure Zinashi could have squashed him beneath just one foot, but she thought that little deer was going to eat her right up. The lions, however, she didn't mind. So today we saw lions, and only partly because we actually know the Amharic word for lion. Okay, maybe it had a lot to do with that. When you're asking, "Would you like to see the _______?" it's nice if your child understands what she's agreeing to. And so there we were, looking at the lions, who were all sleeping, and I was feeling pretty jealous. I would like to stretch out in the sun and take a nap at noon; don't think I wouldn't. The indulgent sleep is what I miss most about my childless life, which is not saying much since I don't miss a ton of things about the way things were before I became a mother, and one who has no other occupation at that.

I was ready for this change. Which is not to say that there aren't hard parts, but that it is a good change in spite of any challenge that parenthood throws at me. I feel at peace with this new life, with the kind of opportunities in front of me, with the way I am allowed to parent my daughter thanks to the luxury of being able to make it on just one salary, at least for now. That I'd like to branch out a bit and eventually bring in some income again is true, but that I do not wish to return to nannying as my primary source of employment is also true. I am enjoying just being the mom for now. I am enjoying it a whole, whole lot.

No Surprise at All

2010-11-10T12:56:00.002-05:00

The last two weeks were a blur of jet lag and settling in and doing entirely too much for having just returned from Africa with a three-year-old who needs to adjust to how very different the US is from where she has lived her whole life. I said yes to a lot of things I should have said no to. I have learned my lesson, which is that the people who want to see our daughter and do things for her and with her are not mind readers, and they also have probably not read multiple books on attachment. So it falls to us as parents to be the gatekeepers. In particular, it falls to me since I am with her more often and had more time to read attachment and adjustment literature. So I'm correcting the mistakes of the past two weeks, and now we are mostly hanging out at home. It's pretty much everything I ever hoped for...you know, now. There's junk mail all over the floor, and my daughter keeps bringing me spongy tub toys and telling me they're dabo (bread), and I dutifully fake eat them and make food enjoyment noises. We listen to music. We dance. She is very good at entertaining herself, and is content to wander the house and get into a little bit of trouble. It surprises me how much she really is just like me. For example:

The chocolate on her face makes me very, very happy.

As does simply being her mother.

Life has gotten really good.

And that's no surprise at all.

What to Wear When You're Electing

2010-11-03T00:11:00.003-04:00

Oh, man, I love fall. The weather is just right for my taste, and I just love switching out my summer wardrobe for my fall/winter duds. I always forget about some awesome thing I already own, or discover a new combo of old favorite items, and it's like shopping in my own closet every single day*. Well, until February, when we are all officially over the Midwestern winter and I start thinking about pedicures and open-toed shoes. But I do love to layer it up regardless, so this is the best season of all. And this fall I have even more reason to get the styles right, as I am now a style example to a small girl. No Yoga Pant Mom here! Bring on the jackets! Hand me some boots!

Today Zinashi and I headed out to vote in style. You can't see her style, but trust me when I tell you that her layers were the bee's knees and the cat's pajamas. I really got just what I was hoping for in this girl who jumps for joy when I bring out a new outfit and eats chocolate cake with gusto. What a girl, and what a day. Fall weather, fall outfits, fall awesomeness. I can't wait to get up and dress us both again tomorrow.

*This is amplified by our recent trip to Ethiopia, during which I wore the same three pairs of pants, five shirts, four cardigans, and two pairs of shoes for thirty days. I came home and was all "Would you look at all this VARIETY?!" I felt downright spoiled.

Home

2010-10-30T16:16:00.002-04:00

We are back from Ethiopia. If you have not been reading our adoption blog, you are probably pretty out of the loop, so I will sum up.

1. We went to Ethiopia to adopt our adorable daughter!
2. Instead of having the opportunity to visit her while in country, we were told she could stay with us the whole time.
3. We said a resounding YES to that option.
4. Instead of going home for a short time between court and embassy, Jarod said, "HELL NO," and chose to stay. We unwittingly changed his plane ticket to the exact date his visa expired.
5. We spent 30 days in Ethiopia with our daughter.
6. All processes were expedited for us, and we booked plane tickets for Zinashi and me to come home at the same time as Jarod's previously re-scheduled plane ticket.
7. We spent eighteen hours in row 22 on an Ethiopian Air flight from Addis to DC.
8. Magnolia Zinash McBride became a US citizen upon arrival on US soil.
9. All three of us slept through the final flight home to Kansas City.

And here we are, at home, a family. The girl who was going to be called Nola Zinash is being called Zinashi, and we reserve the right to keep it or change it as she sees fit. Her name belongs to her, and she may do with it what she wishes. We are just so happy to have her, this amazing little person, that we don't really care if her name is Mayor McCheese. We just love her. And I love being a mother. LOVE. I love getting up in the morning to make breakfast, I love rocking her to sleep, I love doing her tiny laundry. This is, by far, the best thing we have ever done. Life is awesome.

I Do Not Have the Brain Power to Think of a Title

2010-09-24T02:02:00.004-04:00

I'm pretty sure I scheduled my hair appointment for tomorrow because I thought that A) the neck massage would be awesome and B) fresh hair for family photos! I am trying to put my long to do list out of my mind and focus on those two benefits. I wish I also had time for a pedicure, but what can you do? Paint 'em at home, I suppose.

I'm not sure what posting will be like once we are in Ethiopia. I am going to make updating our adoption blog my top priority, as I know that friends, families, and very kind strangers will be looking for updates there. So if you don't see me here, hop on over and check in over there. Internet coverage is spotty in Addis, so I'm going to take whatever time and connection I have to make it count for our little lady.

I am excited and nervous about the trip, as is to be expected. While Jarod is back in the US between our court and embassy appointments, I am staying with a friend's aunt, and she does not speak English. I know very little Amharic (tinish! tinish!), and what I do know is more appropriate to our daughter than to a wider audience. This could be an even bigger adventure than I bargained for. But it doesn't matter, really. I am not staying so I can have a luxury vacation; I am there to be near to Nola and to learn more about her home country and culture. If I don't get a shower and have to wear a hat over my greasy white girl hair every single day, so be it. Better stories later, right?

This Tuesday With Old Lady Mary

2010-09-21T21:57:00.003-04:00

It was a good day for visiting Old Lady Mary. I got her the biggest balloon bouquet the grocery store had to offer, and she marveled at how good I am at finding things. "I've never even seen that kind there!" she gushed, "I just don't know how you picked that!" Well, it was about five feet in front of me when I walked in the door, that's how. I feel better about leaving her for the next six or eight or however-many weeks; she seems to understand that I will be back, and that eases my mind. I don't like to have her worry that I've just deserted her forever. Because: NOT TRUE. Who else would call me a fashion model? Absolutely no one.

Click on that pic for the full details of the outfit and her reaction.

...

We are in major countdown mode over here, what with only four days until we ditch you for an Ethiopian beauty, but you wouldn't know it by the way I'm sitting on my rear in front of the computer and baking cookies like it's any other night. I guess it's nice to just be normal for a few minutes before I start racing around like a chicken with it's head removed.

Oh, wait, that's normal for me, too.

Oh, well.

In Case You Are Interested

2010-09-20T17:36:00.003-04:00

There's a full tour of our daughter's room right here. It's pretty much the biggest thing I've gotten done today, and hello, I need to be getting things done. We leave in five days. I woke up this morning freaking out a little bit at all the things we need to do, but nothing is that difficult, and I did mark three small things off the list already. It's the tedious things that are getting to me, like doing the laundry and putting away the shower gifts from yesterday.

I also need to write a truckload of thank you notes. I am sure that people would understand if I didn't get them mailed before I exited the country, but I think that if you are grateful for something, you should make sure people know that. Taking the time to write a note of thanks is really the least I can do. And plus, doesn't everyone love getting mail?

I suppose I'll sort the laundry now. (ho hum *sigh*)

Hoarders Lite

2010-09-18T21:00:00.004-04:00

After our adoption fundraiser last night, we loaded everything into the house and the garage, showered, and turned around and walked out to stay at my parents' overnight (if you can call midnight to 5:20am overnight, that is) so we'd be one hour closer to St. Louis this morning. We'd also gotten some packages in the mail, one of which I opened hurriedly and subsequently scattered around the dining room. None of the loading in was very neat, and we returned this evening, exhausted, and I dropped what I was carrying willy nilly in the living room, which already contained a basket of clean laundry and a basket of detritus from the nursery that needs to be sorted. The coffee table had been a bit of a mess for a long time, and when I finally looked up after scarfing down three leftover fundraiser cupcakes and some cheese and crackers (while checking my e-mail and various blogs, no less), I realized that we'd walked into an episode of a hoarding show, during the part where they're about a third of the way done and start finding the bones of old, dead cats. And the shameful thing is that I have absolutely no will to do anything about it.

I did, however, have the will to open three other packages that arrived in the mail and try out the toddler leg warmers on the (still living, not buried beneath hoarded rubble) cat.

Priorities: I've got some.

I hope you notice the basket of laundry right next to me that I could be folding if I weren't too busy trying leg warmers on the cat and blogging about it. I can do that tomorrow, right? I've still got two hats with giant flowers, and the cat's all relaxed, so I think we know what must be done.

This Tuesday With Old Lady Mary

2010-09-14T20:05:00.003-04:00

Did you notice that I skipped posting last week's photo? Let's say you didn't. Mary didn't comment on the outfit at all, and while I thought it was fine, it was also kind of boring. So we shall move on to today's outfit. Click on through to get the details.

Next week will be my last Tuesday with OLM before I leave for Ethiopia. In preparation, I brought her six bottles of chocolate syrup and three bottles of thousand island dressing, plus Pringle's that I pretended were on sale. "I got some for $1.50! Were yours more on sale than that?" Mary asked. Affirmative! They were cheaper than that. Mine were $1.47! I didn't mention the exact price, though, because I wanted to lead Mary to believe that I'd gotten a great deal and not spent too much money on her. My ruse was a success.

We are eleven days out from leaving. Our last piece of paper finally arrived today. We would celebrate with champagne (or whatever champagne-like substance we already own, since we are on a budget), but now is not the time for it. This story is about our family member, who is Jarod's cousin's wife. She is a really wonderful person, and will be greatly missed by her husband and children and of course by all of us.

Adoption Soapbox!

2010-09-13T12:59:00.004-04:00

It's probably a little soon to be thinking about our second adoption, but I do it all the time anyway. From the very beginning of this process, we intended to adopt twice. We'd like our daughter to have a sibling, and we'd like them both to come from the same place so that they will not feel alone. This is very important to me, which is why reading about how corruption ended all adoptions from Vietnam makes me nervous. You see, some of these same things are happening in Ethiopia now. We'd all be kidding ourselves if we pretended that people don't try to make money off of other people, in the worst ways possible, and it is not a surprise to me, but it is heartbreaking nevertheless. It is heartbreaking that families that could remain intact are not remaining so due to coercion or outright child theft, and it is heartbreaking that children who truly need families are affected by this. I suppose I don't understand why, with so many children who truly need families, it is necessary to try to talk families into giving up the children they could raise.

Then again, I do understand why. Prospective adoptive parents get impatient. Many people want to adopt healthy infants. There is money involved. So if you want to make a fortune, what would you do? You'd keep your wait times for healthy infants short by finding a way to supply healthy infants to families who can pay the fees to bring them home.

Ethiopia is fast becoming the most popular country to adopt from. Now that China has tightened things up and wait times are long, and Vietnam and Guatemala are closed due to corruption, people are switching to Ethiopia. This would be great news if it meant that only children who truly need families are being adopted, but unfortunately, that's just not the case. Frankly, I am shocked to read how many people will only consider healthy infants. And yes, I realize this has a small touch of "pot calls kettle black" to it, as we were requesting a baby, and a baby girl at that. I'd love to defend myself by saying that we were open to special needs, but the truth is that we would have remained on the waiting list for a healthy baby girl if no babies with special needs that we felt prepared to handle were in need of a family before we reached the top of the list.

I am mulling over what this means for us next time around. I am so overjoyed to be bringing home a three-year-old that I could see being open to, or maybe even preferring, the same age range the next time around. At the same time, I sometimes think I'd like to have a baby in our house, and I know that Jarod would, not to mention both sets of grandparents. But if our motives for adopting are truly to be a family to a child who needs one, then I think we may have to reevaluate what we are open to. There are some special needs that I don't quite feel prepared to handle just yet, and likewise Jarod has a couple of needs that he is not comfortable with yet. And I say "yet" because we both are open to our hearts and minds being changed by the time we are ready to adopt a second time.

Last week we went to St. Louis to meet with the Ethiopian director of the transition home where are daughter has been staying since early May. I was able to talk to his wife about our daughter, and we discussed why she looked so sad and scared in the first photos we saw of her. It was confirmed that she was very hungry when she arrived, and while it broke my heart that my child was so hungry that she gained two and a half pounds in her first ten days in their care, it also provided the relief of knowing that she truly needs us. I am so grateful that our agency operates ethically. We received an e-mail early on, which was sent to all the parents, that told us point blank that our agency does not go looking for children, and that they wait as long as it takes for children who truly need families to be referred. This makes me feel very good, and we will most likely use the same agency again, so long as their is an again for us and Ethiopia. My hope is that what happened in Vietnam and Guatemala will not happen on such a large scale in Ethiopia (indeed, I hope that all corruption will cease, but I know that's unlikely), and children there who need families will continue to be given when they need.

I also hope that more families who are adopting will begin to be open to wider age ranges and health issues. There are so many children both here in the US and abroad that are truly in need of a family, but are not in the preferred category of "healthy" and "infant." I suppose that I would even take that a step further and say that I hope that families who did not previously consider adoption as a means of family building would become open and willing. It takes work, yes, and it's markedly different from giving birth (not that I'd know, but so they say), but I think that there are many families who would be wonderful adoptive families who are simply not considering it. I say this not in a judgmental way, but just to say, hey, you might be really good at this.

Really, I think you're pretty awesome. You should consider being awesome in an additional way, so long as it won't make you way awesomer than the rest of us. Think about it.

I'll wait right here for your answer. And to meet your lovely children.

People Get Ready, Nola is Coming!*

2010-09-11T21:13:00.003-04:00

I'm anxious to have everything in Nola Z's room ready, both so I don't have to think about it anymore, and because I have been notified that people are expecting photos, so tonight I removed the cushiony glider from our Amazon registry and ordered something a little sleeker and a lot less expensive. Tomorrow Jarod and his dad will build her bed (based on this, but twin-sized mattress instead of toddler), and that will be that. There is an empty frame in there, but I figure if we don't end up with the print from our registry, we will get something special in Ethiopia. Or I'll get a little crafty with a map of Africa, swiped from the internet, and my decoupage supplies. (Mod Podge and I are like this.) There's nothing wrong with a good collage, am I right?

Beyond that, we are still waiting for those two items I mentioned previously to arrive. I've got tracking information for my passport (Ethiopian visa now included!) that indicates that it will be delivered on Monday, and it seems I'll have to grow as a person (AGAIN, thanks a LOT, USCIS) in order to get the amended I-171H (advance something something orphan let us into the USA, please) that we were supposed to get, um, at least a month ago. Oh, well.

And there are a few various and sundry other things to attend to. I'm about to leave for Walgreen's to get some Earplanes and motion sickness bands, and I've a feeling I'm a little more excited about it than your average traveler might be. I am also doing laundry so that I can pack the rest of my clothes. What's that you say? We don't leave for two weeks? I know; I just really like being prepared. It's fun.

*For those of you with evangelical Christianity (with an emphasis on Christian rock praise music) in your background who get the joke of the title, perhaps you think I should change it? It would make more sense to say, "Nola get ready, people are coming, coming to take you home..." My apologies to those of you who do not get the joke. That song is horrible, yet catchy, and I would have to apologize more if I were to get that song stuck in your head.

Even My Social Worker Tells Me This is True

2010-09-09T13:16:00.003-04:00

I've been a little stressed out lately, not to mention tired. Really, really, really tired. There's a lot to think about and plenty still to do. We are waiting on two things to arrive via post/FedEx, one of which is my passport, which makes me feel very nervous. Add in that the world keeps turning and other people keep having lives which include celebrations and needs, and it's just all too much. Even when I am exhausted, I feel like something is vibrating ever so slightly in my body. There's an edge to everything. But when I'm tired (which is all the time), it makes it hard to figure out what to do when, and the edginess makes it hard to indulge in sleeping in or even taking a good nap in order to help my poor brain function properly. I am constantly mindful of my to do list, of how many people have sent e-mails that I haven't returned, that I forgot to get the same something at Target again. I can't seem to settle myself.

Last night we went out for our anniversary, and we were both tired. I had that vibrating feeling that follows me everywhere, and I thought, "Well, it's our anniversary, and that's something to celebrate, so I will have wine. Of the variety that sparkles." So I ordered a glass, and it was good, and do you know what else? Somewhere in there the vibrating feeling disappeared. I was still exhausted, and I still felt a little overwhelmed at what the next two weeks have in store, but there wasn't frantic energy behind it. Last night, I slept better than I have in weeks, maybe months.

Which is all to say: wine is the answer.

Who knew?

Probably everybody but me.

Fall Packing

2010-09-06T13:49:00.002-04:00

I am really excited for fall to arrive. I woke up Saturday morning and checked the temperature to see what to wear to work, and was thrilled that I could get away with a three-quarter-length sleeve and actually needed a jacket for the morning hours. I've mentioned before that I love layering, and that I own seventeen cardigans, so I am ready for this. This may sound super silly, but I find myself grateful that we are bringing our daughter home to cooler temperatures because I feel so much cuter in my layers than in what I throw on to combat the swelter of summer, and I want to be a cute mom.

The great thing about Addis Ababa is that the weather is fairly steady, topping out in the seventies during the day and getting down below fifty at night. I think we all know that this is perfect weather for a little cardigan wearing, and I am thrilled. I think every day about what I'll pack, and with seventeen cardigans*, it's a challenge. I can't pack them all. I'm trying to narrow it down to three, which will be mixed and matched over four or five shirts, which will be mixed and matched with two pairs of jeans and one pair of trousers. I also have two dressy outfits planned, which may require a separate cardigan, which I won't count in the three allotted cardigans because, duh, it's not part of my mix-and-match scheme, so it doesn't count! Right? Everyone please agree.

I know it's silly to pack so far ahead, to think so hard about it, as if what I wear in Ethiopia and if I feel cute enough matters at all, but it's something I enjoy, and it's something to do when I am feeling really far away from my little girl, so I'm doing it. In case you are wondering, of course I've got our daughter's bag packed already, with outfits folded neatly together. I hope she likes layers, too.

And hats.

I really hope she likes hats.

(Nineteen days until we blow this popsicle stand, by the way. NINETEEN. DAYS. I am right to be feeling anxious, aren't I?)

*I feel a little ashamed to own so many cardigans; it feels decadent and wasteful. I have no reasonable excuse for it, either. Shameful!

Belief

2010-09-02T12:16:00.003-04:00

Image is of this print, which I covet.

We are three weeks and two days out from leaving to meet our daughter. There is a lot to do. We are doing it.

We are really, really doing it.

This Tuesday with Old Lady Mary

2010-09-01T01:40:00.002-04:00

Today I bring you the color of summer: YELLOW. Old Lady Mary has decreed it, and thus it must be so. Click on the photo for more details.

I don't have many Tuesdays left before my trip, and Mary is convinced she'll never see me once I bring my little girl home. I told her that wild horses couldn't keep me away, and she said, "Huh?" (This is the same response I get when she asks who's at her door, and I reply, "The big bad wolf!") So then I just told her that I would still visit her every single week after I got back, and she only kind of believed me. I guess I'll have to prove it to her. In the meantime, I'm looking for someone to deliver groceries to her weekly while I am away. She does best if you can come on the same day and at roughly the same time each week. You do not have to attempt to dress like a fashion model, though you'll get more compliments if you do. It's up to you. I'll leave some funds to pay for what she needs and will reimburse for any additional amount spent. Basically, all it will cost you is time and patience. I know I say a lot of things about her that may not be considered complimentary, but I wouldn't go if I didn't also find her to be a delight. Please do email me if you've got an hour or so each week to give to Mary.

It's Different When You're Elderly Like Me

2010-08-25T20:49:00.003-04:00

In my life so far, I have traveled a lot, and thus have received a ton of travel vaccinations. I've always done just fine. Sure, the first yellow fever shot left a small lesion, and the old Hep A preventative, gamma globulin, burned going into my hip*, but I was always just fine with shots. As a kid, I don't remember feeling funny at all after shots, and trust me, I would have remembered. I hated shots.**

So four years ago when I went in for a routine physical prior to starting a new nanny job, and the nurse asked if I needed a tetanus booster, I didn't hesitate to say yes, and assumed that it would be no big deal. The next day, I had very little range of motion in my arm, and it hurt to move it at all. It was not the easy procedure I remembered, where the worst part was the stick of the needle.

Still, walking into the travel doctor's office yesterday, I didn't really think much about the possibility of adverse effects of another shot I'd had as a child, the MMR. I mean, come on, that's a sissy shot! It probably won't even hurt! Well. I was wrong. Not only did the liquid (er, gel? It was thick...) sting and then burn as it went in, all too slowly, but later the injection site still hurt, and after I worked out (because of course I worked out--these are just simple vaccinations, right?), I couldn't move my arm enough to put my bag in the backseat of the car whilst sitting in the driver's seat. Around bedtime, I felt strangely cold. I fell into fitful sleep hugging the part of a heating pad that was not draped over the injection site. I woke up some time later so hot I would have joined the Polar Bear Club to get some relief. Instead, I threw the blankets off and finally admitted that I needed some medication. With ibuprofen down the hatch and a few crackers munched silently in the dark living room to soften the medicated punch, I fell asleep again, sort of. I woke up this morning determined to go to work. And there's where I go from kind of stupid to just plain delusional.

You see, my Wednesday job is to watch three children, one of whom is three, the second of whom is two-and-a-half, the third of whom is seventeen months old. I skipped the ibuprofen (you are shaking your head at me, I know), put on something cute but machine washable, and popped into Starbucks on my way to work. "Coffee will do it," I thought, "since the worst of it is over now." I'm not sure what kind of crack I was smoking, but I proceeded to plunge downhill fast as the cries of MINE and STOP IT! and MYTURN! IT'S MYTURN! became more and more shrill. It was a relief to put everyone in their own chair for lunch, but then a punch to the gut to realize that I had two more hours until everyone would be napping. I tried drawing out the meal. I attempted to take them outside for some fun. I only made things worse. Finally, I rifled through the medicine cabinet and swallowed some ibuprofen. The relief took longer than it took to clean up the play area and get everyone into bed. Idiocy strikes again. I was never so happy to be done with my workday.

Never.

I have also never been so happy to be sitting at home in my pajamas, waiting for sleep to come.

But first, I am going to take some ibuprofen because I am a girl who learns from her mistakes. But please remind me of that next time I decide to get a vaccination.

*Oh, come on, medical professionals, we all know that if I have to pull my pants down to get the injection, that is NOT my hip.
**I'm really not into anything painful. I can be a bit more stoic about it now, but as a child I was a Class A Wimp. See also: not playing volleyball because it hurts my delicate forearms and giving up on catching a baseball because it stung my palm through the mitt.

This Tuesday with Old Lady Mary: And Also Last Friday, the Bedbug Edition

2010-08-24T14:24:00.003-04:00

First, let's look at the way cute dress I got on clearance at Anthropologie, which Old Lady Mary loved. I was so worried that she'd think it was too short, as she has a thing for modesty, but she L O V E D it. Click on the photo for the whole story.

And now for another story. One about which I am a little bit ashamed. And also a little bit afraid that someone will figure out who Old Lady Mary is and report her for something that is not her fault.

A few months ago, Mary heard a report on the news about bedbugs and immediately decided she had them. Mary is quite paranoid, and thus reacts this way to a lot of stories, so when she announced to me that she had bedbugs, I sort of...brushed her off. "Oh, Mary," I said, "I'm sure you just have some bug bites from all that walking you do. Do you want me to bring you something for the itching?" Being paranoid about medication, she declined, and insisted that she was sure she had bedbugs. I inwardly rolled my eyes. Because, great, one more thing she'd lie awake at night worrying about.

And she did.

Lie awake.

At night.

Worrying.

And also scratching bites and finding bugs.

Which she did not tell me about, exactly. She said that she was getting more bug bites, and she said that she thought she had bedbugs, but at that time she did not tell me that she'd found a bug on her person in the middle of the night. So I brushed her off again. Because I am a terrible person.

Shortly after that, Nicole, who was Old Lady Mary's first friend of all us girls, came into town from Chicago and made her usual visit to Mary. Mary complained about the bugs to Nicole, and Nicole (bless her courageous heart), actually inspected the couch that Mary sleeps (and, um...how do I say this...leaks a bit on). And do you know what she found?

BEDBUGS.

REALLY.

Mary was not just paranoid and exaggerating. There was an infestation. So we discussed what to do, and Nicole did some online research, and eventually Carrie and I coordinated our schedules so that we could show up and do what needed to be done, which was basically to cover the couch in a plastic tarp and seal it up. It seemed simple enough. I brought a giant trash bag to throw the old couch accoutrements and Mary's pillow into, gloves so we wouldn't have to touch any bedbugs directly, and a big roll of brown packing tape. When we moved the couch, we discovered a small pile of detritus underneath, and as I was taping and taping and taping the plastic tarp to make sure that there was no place any remaining bedbugs could exit, Carrie was picking up handfuls of that detritus and noticing that she was also picking up (get ready to cringe) HANDFULS OF LIVE BEDBUGS. I'm surprised Carrie didn't vomit on the spot. Instead, after picking up most of the trash, she made Mary get out some of her rubbing alcohol (which she uses for all sorts of things because she is very afraid of germs), and she began sprinkling it on the carpet where the couch had been. There were bedbugs everywhere, and the alcohol wasn't really doing anything. Carrie looked at me and said, "You know, I've been meaning to get a new vacuum. I think I am going to bring my vacuum up, vac up all these bedbugs, and then throw it away." I nodded and asked if she was sure. She nodded back. And so that's what happened. We covered the couch in plastic. We vacuumed up all the bedbugs we could see. We put the small rug that had been in front of Mary's couch into the garbage bag. We carried it all downstairs and put it in the dumpster.

And then I lint-rolled my entire self in the parking lot. People were watching. I didn't care. I was not bringing home any of those bastards with me.

Since then, Mary has had no more bedbug bites. She is sleeping again. Her bites are healing. And on the door of someone down the hall from her, there is a sign that reads, "BEWARE: This apartment may have bedbugs." For that, I am grateful. Not that someone else has an infestation, but that someone who is not paranoid is willing to report to the building managers that there are bedbugs in the building. Mary has lived there for eight years and only began getting bitten when they did renovation a couple of years ago; we are sure they were already somewhere in the building, possibly on the floor they moved her to when they renovated the apartment that used to be hers. But Mary is an odd duck, and though she is paranoid and, as she says, "germ-conscious," her housekeeping isn't fantastic. We are very afraid that the stigma attached to bedbugs will work against Mary, and they will evict her. So we have done all of this in secret, even though it's something the managers and social worker at this subsidized apartment building (for elderly and disabled folks) should take care of. We hope that someone else (who is friendly and not paranoid and bathes regularly) reporting the problem will allow it to be less stigmatized so we can get Mary the bedbug removal services she has deserved all along.

If you or someone you know suspects they may have a bedbug infestation, here is a link to a resource we found to be very helpful. I hope you never need that information.

This Tuesday with Old Lady Mary

2010-08-19T01:47:00.000-04:00

Is it silly that posting this week's photo was weighing on my mind so much that I couldn't sleep without getting it done? I also couldn't sleep without doing about twelve other things, thus the late (er, early?) hour. But this is it. The last task. Then it's just me and my cat-warmed pillow.*

I've worn this outfit before, but with different earrings. I'm running out of easy summer ensembles, and the brain space allotted to choosing outfits is terribly small these days. So here it is, the same dress and same shoes and same bracelet, with different earrings. Way to change it up, right? Can you even see those earrings? Click through to read details and to view it larger if you really want to get a gander at the cheapo danglies on my ears.

I do love that dress.

I also love sleeping. And so, goodnight.

*I was noticing that our cats smell pretty good lately, and finally figured out that the aroma is similar to that of my conditioner. I don't know why I didn't figure that out before, as every single night I have to move a cat off the pillow to lie down, and usually wake up the next morning with a different cat curled up around my head. The remaining cat jumps to my shoulders after I shower to give my hair a little grooming, and so she, too, retains the smell of Say Yes to Carrots conditioner.

Wish

2010-08-14T12:40:00.006-04:00

Today I bought a plain sterling ring to wear as my wedding ring when I am in Ethiopia. It's not about being worried about losing it because it's expensive, not that I don't want to avoid being a target of petty thieves, but more about not wanting to be a rich American showoff. I also bought a pair of jeans so that I have two pairs that are not skinny jeans. I really wanted wide leg jeans, but these boot cuts were just $6.24, and I can't justify spending more based on personal preference. To be honest, we really can't afford to spend more anyway. Not now. Not for awhile. And so I have a wish list of things that I pretend someone will want to get me for Christmas or my birthday or just as a happy surprise (you know, because that happens so often). It helps me let go. You can laugh about that if you want. Here's what's on it:

This Starburst Necklace from Superhero Designs. Of all the things I want to carry to Ethiopia, joy is at the top of the list. This would be a meaningful reminder.

This skirt from Boden. I usually order something in the fall, when they are offering 20% off and free shipping, plus I can use the credits I've gotten from giving them names and addresses of friends and loved ones. It's usually a skirt. Often, it's one of their fun skirts. So it's no surprise that I'm drawn to this one..

And finally, this light from Etsy. I was pretending that I wanted it for the nursery, but really I want it for the living room.

So there you have it. The wish list. It's possible, as with all wishes, that some will be fulfilled, but I'm not holding my breath. After all, my dearest wish has nothing to do with things I can purchase on the internet. I think you can guess what it is. It's the wish for which we give up all other wishes. And it's worth it.

She's worth it.

This Tuesday with Old Lady Mary

2010-08-13T20:25:00.002-04:00

It's hot, isn't it? I would rather not be wearing clothes, but this isn't the Garden of Eden or a beach on the Riviera, so I just put on something that's as light as possible. I'm pretty sure Old Lady Mary thinks I'm a hussy. A fashionable hussy, but still. Click on the photo to read the details.

Also, do you like how my bangs are saying, "Triiiiimmmmmm meeeeeeee"? Today they are saying, "I am in shock because you had me trimmed, and now I will look like straw."

I guess with bangs, you just can't win.

I am suffering in the heat. Not in a way that is anything other than a spoiled brat child of air conditioning way, but I am uncomfortable. My mom told me that she's reading a book about how bad air conditioning is and how we can learn to deal with the heat, and I said that I'd like to deal with it by moving somewhere that doesn't have ridiculous summers. Why did my ancestors settle here, anyway? We are a northern European people, and our genes dictate that we do not do well in heat. My ancestors weren't very bright. But I guess the land was cheap, and they were all farmers, so fine. You win, ancestors. Also, I'm moving. Take that, stubborn Germans. I'm going to go somewhere that doesn't have good sauerkraut, and you'll all turn in your graves.

For now, though, since we do own a home here and we do need to get some things done (like bringing home a daughter) before we entertain serious thoughts of elsewhere, I'm hanging out in the house in front of the air conditioning register and not wearing pants.* We try to do the kind thing and keep the thermostat higher than most Americans would consider reasonable, so this is all I can do to feel like I won't fall over dead. I think we can all agree that pants are unnecessary, and falling over dead wouldn't do either.

Of course it was on this day that our car was in the shop for repair, and I had a hair appointment across town. I figured it would be no big deal to ride my bike to the bus stop. After all, it's only a mile away. I failed to take into account that the route from here to there is uphill, and I also failed to notice that my bike tires were a bit low. Do you know how to get a more intense workout on your bicycle? Ride it with the tires a little low. Unfortunately, I wasn't looking for a more intense workout. Or any kind of workout. I was looking to make it to the bus stop without having coffee first. It was uncomfortable. I lived. And then I was early for my hair appointment, so I got a coffee and life was good again.

The end.

Except not really, because I still had to get home. You'll be happy to know that I did not pass out before I wheeled my bicycle up the driveway. You'll also be happy to know that I showered, quickly, in water that was cold and made me feel like I could live again, if only until I stepped into the outdoor oven one more time. It's a miracle.

*I'm wearing a skirt, if you must know. Stop imagining me in my underwear. You don't know what kind I wear anyway, so you're probably imagining it all wrong.

Better

2010-08-12T16:56:00.004-04:00

Today we found out that there are some people who disapprove of our decision to fundraise for our adoption. I'm going to admit that this hurt my feelings deeply, that it made me angry, that I didn't know what to do or say. It's not like our motives are 100% pure--that's hard to come by as a human being--but we hope that our motives are at least good and inching toward noble. Frankly, we're going to have a beautiful daughter in our lives as a result of this endeavor, so it's not like we are giving up everything to get nothing in return. We're not giving up everything, period. But we are giving up a lot. And we feel like it's kind of rude to catalog everything, because sometimes it sounds a little self-righteous and snooty. But we're giving things up. We've been giving things up. We are taking on the lion's share of the expense, and we are asking for help because we believe that asking for help is better than just saying, "Well, we can't afford this all by ourselves, so we will just forget about it." How can we forget that so many children are parentless? How can we forget that some parents simply cannot provide for their children and want a better life for them? How can we forget the face of a girl who needs a family, who we are welcoming to be a member of ours?

We are asking for help because we know that others believe like we do that children deserve families, but not everyone is equipped to adopt themselves. We are asking for help because there are 147 million orphans in the world, and to remove that title from as many children as possible is the best thing we can do in a horrible situation. We are asking because we know that there are people who believe it is good and right to be part of the solution to the problem, and to have those people as part of our daughter's story is an honor and a privilege.

In a perfect world, all families would be able to provide for their children, no parents would die, and the word orphan would be relegated to fiction. But our world isn't perfect. And adoption isn't a perfect solution, but it's one we hope will at least make things better. Not perfect, not all right all of the time, but better. Better than what life is like now for so many children, better for parents who cannot raise their children and still want a hopeful future for them, better for us because we are so lucky to be bringing home our daughter.

If you would like to partner with us to bring our daughter home, fundraising info is here. If you wouldn't, hey, we won't talk about you behind your back.

Mostly.

Autumn Weather, Please Come Early

2010-08-09T17:31:00.004-04:00

It turns out that I own seventeen cardigans. Various weights, mind you, and sleeve lengths, and colors, but...seventeen. I also own a number of jackets. I am not revealing that number. Partly because I'm not sure what it is. But it's not seventeen; at least I don't think so. If it is, I have no excuses. I just love fall and winter and spring dressing. And I hate summer dressing. I hate it for numerous reasons, but mostly because I love to layer things up, and in summer the single layer I put on isn't comfortable. So BAH to summer. BAH I say.

And now a question: Anyone else out there tend to weigh more in the summer than in the winter? Or is it just me? The reason I know that I have so many cardigans is that I was going through my clothes, trying to thin out a few more items, and tried on some trousers that were more than a little snug. I was about to toss them into the giveaway pile when I recalled that every summer when I've done a wardrobe evaluation, I've run across trousers and skirts that are snug. And then by fall, they're usually fine. Do any of you experience this phenomenon? Or are you all on your bikini diets and your autumn wardrobe would practically fall right off of you?

For me, summer tends to have as many schedule disruptions as the holiday season, plus there's the added bonus of feeling so hot and wilted that I don't want to move my limbs. We're still in the thick of the heat, but I've decided to give at least two weeks of normal schedule and normal workouts before I declare any clothing too snug and send it off to Goodwill. I do love to donate, but keeping what I've got sure beats buying new. And besides, there's not much room in the budget for buying new. I have a feeling that even if they don't fit in the autumn, I won't replace them. I'll just wear the limited number of items I have and try not to spill as much stuff on my lap.

Or better yet, maybe I'll just refashion some of those cardigans.

I Have Some Things to Say

2010-08-06T01:45:00.002-04:00

1. So apparently there's some brouhaha over Michelle Obama's trip to Spain, and my opinion is that the reason people are outraged is because she looks so fabulous. I'm not joking. Past first ladies have traveled, and likely their travels have cost as much or more and been charged to the American people, but they all looked sort of matronly. No one questioned cost because it looked so plain and boring, giving the impression of cheap, or at least modest, expenditures. But Michelle Obama is an African American Grace Kelly, and people don't know how to handle that. They assume that if she looks so good, this all must be incredibly expensive. And no matter that she is paying for it herself! We are all too jealous, and someone must complain. Loudly. On Fox News. (Ugh.)

2. I am sometimes in denial of how tired I am, and at these times I lie down for a quick nap and wake up three hours later. That happened today. Good-bye, entire morning! Or rather, hello, sleep that clearly I needed!

3. It took no less than five trips to Walgreen's to finally get the 8x10 enlargement of a new photo of Nola, and she is now staring out at us as we move about the house. Five trips: worth it! Going back to Walgreen's for photo printing: not a chance!

4. I visited Old Lady Mary this week on Wednesday, and there was no sense taking a photo of the outfit I donned before work with three toddlers, which was spilled on before I even left the house. Before I headed over, I spoke to Mary by phone to get her grocery list, and she asked, "How do you look so beautiful in heat like this?" "Mary," I replied, "you won't be asking that after you see the get-up I'm sporting today. It's nothing special." And what do you know, she had nothing to say about what I was wearing. She did, however, pat me soundly on the back for figuring out which cinnamon rolls she wanted me to get. But look, if you say "Best Choice in the red can," I'm going to buy you Best Choice in the red can, and there's no mystery to it. Still, it's nice of her to be so grateful for such small things.

5. There's good news from Ethiopia, and I can't really say much more about it. So if you know me in person, ask me in person. I will spill the beans.

Pipe Down, Debbie Downer

2010-07-29T15:28:00.002-04:00

I'm feeling a little Judgey McJudgerson today. How is that I run across all the "I wanted to send my kid back" confessional blog posts in one day? I'm all for honesty and helping others be prepared, but would it kill you to be a little more vague until there's time and distance and perspective to be had? Would it be so awful to approach people you trust in person to get the support you need when things get really, really hard? The internet is public, and boundaries are appropriate. Also, would it be the worst thing ever for you to take the view from the beginning that these are your kids forever, and there's simply no discussion of "sending them back" or the like? I mean, really. Even if you know you would never do it, mentioning it in a forum where people who know your kids or someday your actual kids themselves could find it seems a bit risky.

I booked our plane tickets today. I think I might be a little bit more sensitive than usual because of this. We are heading into this, and we are aware of the challenges that may present themselves, and it's really no mystery to us that it might be hard. That parts of it will be hard. She's three years old and speaks another language, and we have never met each other before. Her home is very different from our home. Do we really think it's going to be instant easy times? No, we do not. What we do think is that love is an action, that we are committed to being a family, that we will figure out what to do as difficulties arise. That's what families do.

Isn't it?

Well, anyway, we still have our sunshine and roses over here. I am pleased as punch that our daughter will come home during cooler months, as mix-n-match ensembles involving layers are my favorite. I've been laying out outfits on the nursery floor, and oh, man, my clearance shopping has landed us a lot of options. Most of the things I gravitate towards are in similar color schemes--we've got a lot of turquoise, fuschia, pink, purple, and brown--so there are a ton of things from various sources that go together beautifully. We may have to work hard at some things, but having our daughter look cute will not be one of them.

This is going to be FUN!

This Tuesday with Old Lady Mary

2010-07-28T00:18:00.000-04:00

I'm just shy of posting this when it's still Tuesday. I had grand plans for getting it done earlier, but then I went into a fit of history of the English language nerdery, and all hope was lost. So here's the photo, a bit late. It was hot today, so I did my best to dress for the heat but still keep it pretty for OLM. Click on the photo if you want some more details about OLM's reaction.

The pace of summer is as fast as ever, maybe faster, but still I have managed to start working out five days a week again. There's nothing wrong with doing less, but I feel better when I'm getting more vigorous movement into my life on a regular basis. It's funny to me how quickly I forget the practicalities of working out, like how much more water I need to drink and how I'm a lot hungrier, especially when I first get back into the swing of things. If I'm at your house and half your leftover pizza goes missing, it's fair to blame me. It's also fair to complain when I tell you I want a couple of bites of whatever it is you're having and then proceed to eat more than half of it. I'm really sorry about this; once I get used to this level of hunger, I promise I'll bring my own snacks. And also I will share.

That is, if you're quick enough to grab some of what I'm having before I've devoured it all.

Good luck with that.

It's Kind of Nice, Actually

2010-07-22T23:06:00.003-04:00

I think a lot about body image. Now that I'm fixing to bring home a daughter, I think about it even more than I did before. I notice when I am using a Jillian Michaels video to work out, how much she mentions "problem" areas and what kind of body we all want, and it bothers me. The workouts themselves are wonderful, and I would be hard pressed to find something that would work me out as well that I could do in the small space afforded by my living room (and after I move a piece of furniture, at that). But the message that there is a certain body type that all women are aspiring to attain, well, I could do without that. I suppose it's my own fault for buying videos called "No More Trouble Zones" and "Banish Fat Boost Metabolism," but still. I challenge you to give me a good cardio video and a good strength training video without any of that kind of sentiment contained. As far as I know, such a thing does not exist, and it's probably because the focus continues to be on getting a perfect body as opposed to pursuing good health.

Something in the way I see myself has changed as of late, and I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but it's what makes all the "perfect" body talk so unbearable. I'm certainly not out of the woods, but the way I feel about my body--and beyond that about how I measure what makes my body "good"--has become kinder and gentler. For most of the summer, I've been unable to work out as often as I prefer, and yet I'm still somehow within the same eight pound range I've stayed within for the past twelve years. Could it be that this is simply the size I am when I am listening to what my body wants and needs and can do? I think so. Realizing that and accepting it as something that simply is, as opposed to something I should try desperately to change, has been freeing. I like my body just the way it is.

Weird.

This Tuesday with Old Lady Mary

2010-07-22T11:05:00.002-04:00

It looks like I skipped a week of visiting Old Lady Mary, but I assure you that I did not; I just am not fond of the photo, and I didn't go on a Tuesday anyway. I don't recall her saying anything much about the outfit, so I'm going to pretend that outfit did not exist. This outfit, however, did exist, and could have used the addition of a bracelet, but I was running late, so...no bracelet. And you can't see the earrings, which really take the ensemble up a notch. Oh, well. Click on the photo if you'd like to know more.

It is 69 days until the court date assigned to us in Ethiopia. Yesterday, when it was 70 days, it seemed like a long time, but for some reason, turning the corner into the sixties makes it seem less we have to wait how long? and more crap, we have a lot to get done. If you haven't been following our adoption blog, let me sum up our current situation. We've asked our agency if I will be able to see Magnolia if I stay in Ethiopia between court date and embassy date (four to six or eight weeks later), and they've, in effect, said, "Um, we think that's a terrible idea, but we'll discuss it." So it's up in the air whether or not I'll get to have Magnolia with me if I stay, or if I'll get to see her at all. What is not up in the air is the fact that I plan to stay regardless. So stay tuned to find out whether I'll be hanging with my daughter or volunteering and crying a lot! In the end, the decision to stay came down to my realization that it would be just as difficult to fly back to the US to wait as it would be to stay there and wait. When I think about both options, the one I feel best about is staying. So there you have it.

In the meantime, I'm getting really excited about renting a dumpster. Good grief, I'm old.

Decluttering

2010-07-19T23:01:00.002-04:00

I've been working on physical decluttering of our home for nearly three years now, but it's just been a vicious cycle of me getting something I think we need or could use, then getting rid of something else, then getting something new (or reclaimed), then getting rid of stuff...and on and on it goes. We've been bringing in a lot of stuff for our daughter, mostly stuff we do need, and I've reached the point where I really need a ton of other stuff to leave. A good amount of things we own can be donated, some can be sold, and others need to be returned to their rightful owners (*cough*cough*futon in the garage*cough*). Even more stuff simply needs to be recycled or tossed into the garbage. My goal is to donate first, recycle second, send to landfill as a last resort. We will fill a small dumpster with things that cannot be salvaged or recycled for anyone else's benefit, and that's just a sad fact of our lives as consumers. We are trying to be better about this. I feel like we are both making strides towards consuming less and eliminating more. Still, at the end of the day, I always wish I could have gotten more crap out of our house.

But the problem isn't just the crap stuff; I've come to realize that it's also the crap commitments and obligations. And, honestly, the crap schedule that I've managed to arrange for myself. I read this, and it really hit home. All the things that I do in my life are valuable, but I can't sustain all those commitments and obligations and still manage our household. My life as it stands is incredibly cluttered with obligations I don't need to keep, to the detriment of the ones I do need to keep. As we move closer to the day we bring home our daughter, I am intent on creating the kind of space in our home life that will allow us to keep a regular schedule and a peaceful space.

For me, this means a change in the way I work. The truth is that I need to work less and I need to work more predictable hours. I am failing at a lot of the things at which I'd like to succeed, and I know without a doubt this is due to my lack of predictable schedule. The major changes will not come until we leave for Ethiopia and eventually bring home our daughter, but they are coming. While I can stupidly subject both myself and my husband to the type of scheduling that leaves me little energy or brain space for basic things like making dinner and cleaning up the house, I cannot, or rather will not be that kind of mother for my daughter. Frankly, I shouldn't be that kind of wife for my husband, nor should I be that kind of person for my own self.

So I'll be decluttering everything.

You know, once I have the time.

Planning Ahead

2010-07-17T15:51:00.004-04:00

Somewhere on the iPhone that's somewhere in this house, I have a photo of what I wore for Old Lady Mary this week. I'd get up and find it, but I am enjoying this chair, thanks. More specifically, I am enjoying the brief moment of feeling justified in sitting in this chair. Most of the time I cannot escape the thought of so much to do, must do something! and even if I'm tired, I just can't sit still. So for ten more minutes, I am just sitting here. Then I'm getting a two-and-a-half-year-old up from her nap, giving her a snack, and carting her off to Home Depot. Oh, the joy of life! Home Depot!

But here's what's important in all this: we got a court date. It's September 29. Not as soon as we'd hoped, but quite soon after the Ethiopian courts reopen post rainy season, so we'll take it. Between now and then, there's a lot of work to do. I figured that if we got an August court date and I somehow ended up staying in country until the embassy date, we'd just figure out where to go from there in terms of projects that really should be complete before we bring home our daughter. But now we've got a little over two months, and heaven help me if we do not get all the crap out of the basement in particular and the house in general before our flight departs September 25.

This may seem silly to some of you, worrying about junk in the basement (and garage and various closets), but the path our life is taking will likely lead somewhere basementless in the not too distant future, and I think we can all agree that it will be far easier to haul things out to a dumpster when it's just me as opposed to me plus a three-year-old who speaks very limited English. And it needs to be done besides. We've needed to do it ever since we got married and I moved my full household's worth of crap in with Jarod's full household's worth of crap, and especially since we remodeled the kitchen and much of the bathroom. When you can't park your car in your garage and there are items in your basement you haven't touched for the entire length of your marriage, it's just time.

And besides, it will keep my mind and hands busy while I wait for our daughter, which is a good thing on many counts, including the needing-my-pants-to-still-fit count. Baby weight isn't just for pregnant women, it turns out.

And with that, I'll rise from this chair and do something useful.

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety Jig

2010-07-13T21:11:00.003-04:00

The week away was wonderful, albeit busy. It was good to see the kids one last time before I'll have a child of my own in tow, and fantastic as well to scamper around New York City unhindered by anyone except the groups of tourists that like to stop suddenly in the middle of the sidewalk when they are confused. The Picasso exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum of Art was even better than I'd hoped it would be, and the lunch that followed in the cafeteria made the visit there the highlight of my NYC wanderings.

I find it difficult to explain just what it meant to me to be able to make one last trip to see these kids all on my own. When your job is to love someone, it goes beyond the paid working term, you know? And for these kids in particular, who had too many nannies that were wonderful but didn't keep in touch, I've felt strongly that it's important that I maintain a relationship regardless of what else is going on in life. I plan to visit again next year with my daughter along, but it won't be so easy to just hang out. It was good to be there for the week.

Now it's back to normal life. The house is a bit of a wreck, and I know I need to pay bills and do laundry. I head back to work tomorrow morning and have an evening job as well. Nothing like a work double header to get back into the swing of things, right?

For now, I'm going to put on my pajamas and watch something fun on the internet. Today's 5:30am wakeup call necessitates an early bedtime (or else I'll just slump over the desk here and start drooling on the keyboard), and I've been missing my very own pillow. I hope your week has been a good one. Thanks for standing by.

I Can Only Keep My Eyes Open for About Twelve More Seconds

2010-07-06T01:44:00.004-04:00

I am at the point of exhaustion that makes one feel a little ill, but I just can't go to bed without getting a few more things done. I leave tomorrow for a week away, and for once I'm not taking a laptop. I'll have Jarod's old iPhone (which I refer to as my iNotPhone since it does not have phone service) for checking email and reading a few blogs, but I'm trying to keep it simple for the week. I've got a some quiet projects to work on when there's idle time, but for the most part I'll be hanging out with a couple of kids who are growing up way too fast. I'll also be spending two days in New York City, during which I'll be busy being a museum nerd or wandering the city in search of snacks and snacks and more snacks.

The timing for this trip is excellent. Since we found out about our daughter, I've found it hard to rest because there's just so! much! to! do! This trip will whisk me away from all of the projects on my list aside from making a Mama bunny and Daddy bunny to match this Nola bunny; I've got the supplies to finish that project packed in my suitcase.

Because I am heading out on a Tuesday and coming back on a Tuesday, I visited Old Lady Mary today. She's now all stocked up on paper towels and peanut butter. I can be away and not worry that she will run out of something she needs. I'll send her a post card from New York, and she will be thrilled.

She loved today's outfit; you can click on the photo for details.

I have nothing left to add; my brain is fried, and it's time for what can only be called a nap before my alarm rings.

Have a wonderful week, internet folks. I'll think of you while I'm drinking iced coffee by the shore and stuffing doughnuts into my mouth in NYC. If you're the artsy type, I'll also think of you while I'm nerding it up in museums. It will be a good week for sure.

Work, School, Conundrums

2010-07-04T01:11:00.003-04:00

Because we are bringing home a three-year-old as a baby, it turns out we have to think about school a lot sooner. I'd never thought I'd home school, but now I'm keeping that option open. Mostly this has to do with the fact that I'm a hippie weirdo, and I prefer Waldorf education, but there's no Waldorf school in Kansas City that I know of. If we move to either location that is desirable and likely, the only obstacle will be a financial one, which still means I need to keep that home schooling option open. So much of what the Waldorf method espouses--play as the child's "work," structure and routine, an atmosphere of warmth, teaching by example, etc.--match closely with my own child-rearing philosophies. It's the kind of education I want for our children.

I find myself feeling as if I'm on the defensive lately when it comes to my preferences for how we raise our girl. I'm not a fan of television for children, I don't go for toys that require batteries (particularly of the sound-and-light-producing variety), and I'm not into academically structured preschool. I am into reading and storytelling, imaginative play, and getting familiar with other children through play groups and story times. I realize that I am a hippie weirdo, but come on, do you really expect anything else from someone who makes her own deodorant? I know that what I would like to do with our daughter is outside the realm of the American norm, particularly in the case of television. But I have experience with these things (which I gained by practicing on others' children, of course), and there was never such peace in the house as what descended after I banned television while the children were in my care. I dig that kind of thing. I love it when kids go outside and play or drag puzzles into the hallway and work on them, when we have conversations and sing along to songs and have impromptu dance parties to good music. And by saying this, I am not saying that if you allow your children to watch television, that you are wrong or horrible or anything of the sort, or that you don't like those things that I like in addition to a little TV time for the youngsters; I'm just saying that I choose to do things a little differently. You can feel free to roll your eyes at me; I won't see you from here.

I'm also mulling over the idea of being at home with Nola most of the time, and I feel a little pressure in that area as well, as if I need to explain exactly why I'd want to do that. I just want to. That's it. I have done well with the work set before me, but more and more I find that I am happiest tending to my own household and home. My Saturdays are magic, since I can bring my work home with me, so to speak, and let her play while I work in the house. She often follows me from room to room, and there is always plenty to occupy both of us. I will continue with that work for certain, but the rest...I suppose I would like to heed the advice given to every currently-working mother awaiting the arrival of her child and just wait and see what both Nola and I are able to handle. Honestly, I hope to stay home more. But we'll see.

About all of it.

We'll see.

This Tuesday with Old Lady Mary

2010-06-29T23:06:00.000-04:00

I am getting a little thick around the middle. I wish I could say that I don't care, but I do care. I miss working out most days of the week, and I miss how I feel both about my body (strong! capable!) and in general (more energy! endorphin goodness!) when I am able to work out more. So I say a big PFFFFT!!! to my schedule as of late and look forward to the day when I will not have two boxes containing an IKEA dresser in part of my workout space. (THURSDAY, so help me. I am painting the nursery THURSDAY and those boxes are getting moved in there on THURSDAY and all will be right in the dining room. THURSDAY. NO LATER.) (I am all-capping it for my own benefit so I won't get off schedule.) I also see my schedule opening up soon, just in time for me to head out of town. To a place where they feed me lots of good food. But where there is also a StairMaster in the basement. (I love the StairMaster. Really. Stop looking at me like that.)

In the meantime, I will try to do better at concealing my thicker middle.

You know, like by buying Spanx. Heaven forbid I set down this bag of chocolate chips.

(Click on the pic for Old Lady Mary's reaction to the outfit.)

I Am That Woman

2010-06-28T19:13:00.002-04:00

Life has been moving at breakneck speed ever since we saw the face of our daughter. If it had just been the news of her, that would have been one thing, but I think life likes to throw a lot of things at me at one time and go, "What are you going to do now?" The answer is that I'm going to stay up until nearly 2am four nights in a row and then need a really long nap. I haven't gotten the really long nap yet, but I did get a medium long nap, and that will have to do.

I remember when I was on Christian mission trips in high school, we had separate classes for guys and girls that covered issues specific to each gender. Every single trip I went on, the lesson book was the same, so there was always the night we would discuss The Proverbs 31 Woman, and how she is the Best Woman Ever. There was a clever updated version that talked about how the Proverbs 31 Woman clipped coupons and did laundry in her washing machine and, I don't know, made Jell-O molds or something. I always sort of resented the Proverbs 31 Woman until I realized that a great many women become her without noticing. It's not about all those specifics or cutesy analogies. It's just about doing what you have to do to take care of your family and community. So that's what I've been doing. And that feels good.

I've also been pretending that The Proverbs 31 Woman would leave her dishes in the sink, "soaking," for five days straight. Please do not feel free to tell me otherwise.

This Tuesday with Old Lady Mary

2010-06-23T22:23:00.002-04:00

First, I must tell you something important: the cats have broken our contract. You know, the one that states that they may only vomit on Jarod's side of the bed? BROKEN. LIKE THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. Gross. So this will be short because guess who gets to go change the sheets and scrub a cat vomit spot off the feather bed*? NOT JAROD, THAT'S WHO. And not any of those cats who refuse to do their chores, either.

Ahem.

So.

I wore an outfit. Mary didn't even notice. I am, understandably, just heartbroken. Click on the photo to read my entire sob story.

Next week I'm wearing sweats.

*This is decidedly better than cleaning up the vomited up lunch of a 2 1/2 year old who stuffed her mouth too full and spewed her entire lunch right back onto her plate. And shirt. And skirt. And chair she was sitting in. And floor. Which is to say that this happened to me recently, and I lived, so I can't complain much about dried out cat puke. I have a feeling that there's a lot of kid puke in my future anyway, so it's best to be fully broken in before little lady gets here.

GREEDY!

2010-06-20T23:16:00.003-04:00

Once we saw our daughter's face, I knew that we would have to change a lot of things thanks to her being three instead of, you know, an infant. Her room will be a bit different (we're making her a bed!) (and by "we," I mean Jarod and his dad are making her a bed!), and some of the clothes I bought in advance won't fit (though not many since she is a tiny bit of a girl), and a LOT of the things on our Amazon baby registry are different. Out with the bottles, diapers, and accompanying accessories, in with the...well...toys. I know. I feel a little grabby putting so many toys on the registry, but the truth is that where most kids would have three years worth of birthdays and Christmases and other assorted holidays to amass age appropriate toys, she's had no time to do that. So we're starting from scratch. Well, unless you count all my stuffed animals and Jarod's legos that we have in the basement, which...we kind of do. By which I mean that once I'd gone through my bin of childhood toys, I went back to the registry and took the corduroy aardvark and Deglingos stuffed pig off the list.

I've tried to choose things that are developmentally appropriate and that will help us bond as a family. I've also put serious thought into what will help her catch up in some areas where it is likely she'll need a little extra help. There are no toys that require batteries, nothing that will do the playing and imagining for her with the press of a button. Also, because we are hippies, the plastic is limited to bath toys and an inflatable Rody horse, which, in addition to being incredibly cute, will also promote gross motor development. (Do you like how I justified our plastic item there? I'm pretty good at that.) I feel like I've done a good job, but at the same time, filling a list with toys and books just seems greedy.

I'm really hoping that, especially in the case of the play kitchen, someone will disagree with me and think it's perfectly fine. If, however, no one sees why a three-year-old might benefit from playing with various wooden foods that velcro together and can be cut apart with a fake knife, that's all right. After all, we really do need the sheets and shampoo.

This Tuesday with Old Lady Mary: Yes, It's Saturday Edition

2010-06-19T14:54:00.003-04:00

I did see OLM on Tuesday. I did have my husband take a photo before I left. And then I did spend my morning trying to play it cool while I waited for a very important call. And then once I got that very important call, I was so busy spreading the news and getting all things little girl in order that I simply didn't manage to update here. I do hope you will forgive me. After all, I had good reason. And besides, isn't this cute dress worth waiting for? OLM certainly thinks so, and she'll point and speak very loudly to you if you disagree.

And look at those shoes! They aren't so great for long walks, but oh, are they cute or what?

Still, nothing is so cute as the face I saw a week ago, that I look at every day now on my computer desktop or straight out of the envelope in my purse. We have a daughter. I couldn't be happier.

This Tuesday with Old Lady Mary Plus Some Other Stuff

2010-06-11T19:12:00.003-04:00

I'd say something along the lines of, "I don't know where this week went," except that I know exactly where it went aside from a couple hours on Wednesday when I am fairly certain I was sitting in front of the computer in a daze. It went to work and a lot of cooking and making wedding mints (Round One of Two or Possibly More Than Two) and running errands and book club and getting caught in a downpour when I forgot where I'd parked my car at Target. I am now pleased to announce that I have all of this evening free, and I'm not sure why I've not showered and changed into pajamas by now. It may have something to do with the fact that I told my husband I'd make dinner.

I have not made dinner yet.

Though I have no doubt I could accomplish it while wearing pajamas.

Anyway, what? Oh, yes, I haven't yet forced upon you a photo of myself wearing an outfit that an elderly woman could barely see. Here you go:

These past couple of Tuesdays I've either been leaving at the same time as Jarod or dropping him off at work on my way to Old Lady Mary's, so he's taken the photo for me. This works out much better than my usual method of iPhone self-portrait in the full length mirror, particularly since the mirror has a somewhat funhouse quality now that it's been knocked from its perch more than once by a toddler who knows better and waits for me to be draining the pasta to get into things that she is not allowed. The altered mirror now resides in a closet while toddlers are present, and I now look a little clownish in it. But it still works to tell if my shoes look okay with my outfit, so I'll put off getting something new.

Speaking of something new, we will not be adopting a new baby anytime soon. The other family who was reviewing her information did indeed decide to adopt her, so we will continue to wait. Unless Jarod buys into my brand of crazy and we end up considering an older child. My brand of crazy is what landed us a third cat, so I'm fairly certain that this crazy will not be bought or sold or accepted for free. Which is all right since we've launched into summer, and there are plenty of trips coming up without adding a couple to Ethiopia into the mix.

So here we are. Summer. Busy as ever. I've lost my train of thought already. That's okay; I might have lost you already, too.

Happy Weekending, Internet.

I'm Not Dead Yet!

2010-06-05T14:38:00.003-04:00

Good news! I'm halfway through my weekend job, and everyone is still alive and mostly well-fed. We did have an issue with the color of bowl the oatmeal was served in to the two-year-old this morning, but hey! You don't have to eat it! Know why? Because I said so. And also because later we'll leave waaaay too early to go to the movies, and I'll buy you and your sister a giant cinnamon roll as a time waster.

I did that. Yes, I certainly did. Do not judge, oh you who did not rise at 6:15am and have to change someone out of underwear they pooped in shortly thereafter. I wanted a coffee, and I wanted to waste time, and I thought, "Oh, I GIANT CINNAMON ROLL! Served with FORKS! This should take at least ten minutes!" And that's exactly how long it took.

These kids are good and sweet, but they are nearly three and eighteen months old, and they are busy. And heavy. I do not recommend having children so close together unless you'd like better toned arms from picking up two at once and be constantly caring for someone. Physically. Here's how it goes: Child One bites his tongue, and while you are consoling him, but well before he has calmed down, Child Two will seize the opportunity to tumble off a piece of furniture that you just told her she wasn't allowed to stand on. Children this age aren't trying to kill you because they don't have to try. It all just comes so naturally.

How then, you are asking, am I able to write this blog post? Simple. Child Two is down for a nap, and I've suckered the eight-year-old neighbor kid into playing with Child One. This kind of genius only comes with experience. Feel free to call me for tips.

Later we will go swimming, guaranteeing an early bedtime. It will take a lot of effort to get everyone into swimsuits and sunscreen, but at 7:30pm, it will all be worth it.

Especially if I can pretend that swimming substitutes for taking a bath.

One, Two, Three, Go

2010-06-03T14:22:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow at 9am I'll begin a weekend job with two children under the age of three. I'll be done Sunday evening. That is a lot of time on my own with very small children who are intent on flinging themselves off of play structures. I'm not sure if I'll have a vehicle to drive them places in or not. If I do, it's the zoo, baby. If not, please come over. All of you. I've got the pool pass.

...

We are participating in an Orthodox Christian fast until some day in July, and I say "some day in July" because I am pretty sure I'll be breaking the fast over doughnuts and frozen hot chocolate in NYC before it's really over*. In the meantime, though, what this mostly means is that we are vegans who don't drink wine. I miss butter. Also milk on my cereal. And I'd like to blame this neck ache on the fast, too, if that's all right.

...

I seem to have overbooked myself for the entire month of June. I am now seeking a mint-making intern. You will be paid in cream cheese mints, which you will eat on the sly when I am not looking. Please apply by calling, e-mailing, texting, or just showing up at my house.

*New Yorkers: I'll be making my annual trip to Connecticut and NYC July 6 - 13. Not sure which days I'll be in the city, but if you'd like to meet up, please give me a shout.

Judgy McJudgerson

2010-06-02T16:36:00.002-04:00

I am in a pissy mood for no good reason, just lots of small, bad ones. For instance, my mortgage company has failed to retain the information of the bank I use to pay them online. Really? I have to re-enter that every time? Also, it frequently gives me a message that it "detected an additonal click of the Pay Now button," which means that it doesn't process the payment at all, nor does it actually say that on the screen. So I have to not only use my psychic powers to know that if it detects a double click, it doesn't accept payment at all, but I also have to re-enter the bank information.

But there are some things that are a bit bigger that I feel compelled to use my powers of judging for. I may as just spit them out and move on. Correct me if I am judging in error.

1. A friend's husband recently left her out of the blue after six years of marriage. She has struggled with depression for years now, so I'm sure that you can imagine that it's quite hard for her. She has requested that her lawyer take over all communication with the soon-to-be-ex-husband, and in the interim, I fielded an e-mail or two so that she wouldn't have to deal with him. He made this big deal about how he's soooo sorry that I have to do this, and how friends shouldn't have to take things like this on and blah blah blah stupidcakes, and you know what? A) When a friend is in need, this is what friends do, and B) I wouldn't have to do this if you hadn't left your wife, moron.

2. We are still waiting to find out if the other family will adopt the baby we requested information about. It's been a little over two weeks since they received the info, and I am confused as to why it is taking this long. I do not blame the agency or the parents, but at the same time, what's the hold up? If you are that unsure as to whether or not you can handle the potential need, why not just allow another family (*ahem*US RIGHT HERE, WE LOVE BABIES*ahem*) to step in? I'm just sayin'. Rainy season court closure is coming right up, and baby girl needs a court date to go home. Why make her wait longer because of your uncertainty. Just give us the baby, people. It'll all be just fine.

Well.

I feel better.

Mostly.

This Tuesday with Old Lady Mary

2010-06-01T23:48:00.003-04:00

I've decided I'm not a fan of my current Tuesday schedule. It makes me look a little lackluster lately.

See:

I mean, it's fine and all, but it did not inspire any fashion model type compliments from Old Lady Mary. I may as well have just worn a paper sack.

The problem with Tuesday is that I feel like I am quite busy, yet not busy enough to skip cooking dinner and have a valid excuse. So then I "cook" dinner, and we end up eating this:

It's guacamole on toast. If we'd eaten it on chips, I would have felt a little guilty, but since it's on whole wheat, I feel like I've served a meal. That makes sense, right?

Your line, as usual, is, "Right!"

Onward to Wednesday...

Make it Work Monday: It's Not Working

2010-05-31T23:26:00.002-04:00

I've decided to discontinue Make it Work Monday for a short while because I'm lazy. Or maybe because summer is busy. Or a combination of the two. But if you came back hoping for stain removal tips after I mentioned it last week, I'll go ahead and tell you what to use: liquid Biokleen all temperature detergent. Keep a small container of it near where you toss your dirty laundry, and rub it into the stain before you throw your dirty item into the hamper. Feel free to forget about it until your regularly scheduled laundry day; the longer it has to soak in, the better. This has worked better for me than any other stain treatment, and it's a total bonus that it's what I use to do my laundry anyway.

Speaking of laziness, I spent most of the day in my pajamas. It was fantastic. I still got some things done, but mostly things I could do sitting firmly on my posterior.

And then I worked out.

The end.

This Tuesday with Old Lady Mary

2010-05-28T14:05:00.003-04:00

What? You're saying it's not Tuesday? It's...Friday?

Oh.

Well.

Here's a photo of what I wore for OLM anyhow. Better late than never.

I think.

As usual, you can click on the photo to be magically transported into my Flickr stream and read more about the outfit.

I'll confess to taking a shorter amount of time with Mary than usual; there are some days I simply have less patience for her than others. I've come to love her eccentricities, but it takes a certain amount of oomph to make it through an hour-long visit, and I simply didn't have it on Tuesday. What I had instead was a box of Little Debbie powdered sugar donuts and a smile. She kept talking to me even as I opened the door wide and walked out, and I'll admit I felt a little guilty that I couldn't stay, but you know what? There's always next Tuesday.

I'm Having a Hard Time Remembering What Day It Is

2010-05-26T17:03:00.002-04:00

This week my Thursday family switched to Wednesdays, plus I've been working a whole lot of jobs on a whole lot of days, often more than one job in one day, and wow. I have just lost track of my entire head. Maybe there's a small bit left just above the neck, but it's hard to tell. I know that I skipped Make it Work Monday (you poor things, missing out on my stain removal advice) and haven't posted the photo of my Tuesday outfit for Old Lady Mary, but on those days I had other things to do (like eat cake and pretend my pants would still fit as usual), and today I want to talk about something else. You probably aren't missing those other features anyway (if we can even call them features, and I think the only reason we can is that this is my blog, and I can call anything whatever I want to), so let's just talk briefly about what I wrote about in that last post.

We still don't know if the baby is Our Baby or Not Our Baby. But something about typing it out made it better, and now I am just waiting to hear that the other family has decided to adopt her. I'm fairly certain this is how it will go. I have let go of my sense of entitlement to any information about any child, and now I am focusing on this life right here, right now. There's a summer to plan, and I need to get on top of that. There are projects I need to do in the nursery (and in the house in general) that must be done regardless of when our baby shows up. So I'm getting down to business.

Seeing the face of the baby made me realize that we needed to get some things back on track financially, so I did that. Then for a week I ceased spending money on some things I actually needed and had budgeted for because I was being superstitious. Yes, that's right, I figured that if God and the entire universe would just see that I was not spending any money, my reward would be a glimpse at the information I so coveted. Well, that was stupid. And stifling. And...not what I needed to do. So today I let it go and found a work bag (which I bought because it reminded me of an elephant's ear--all soft grey on the outside and pink on the inside), swim bottoms (it really doesn't work out if you only have the top), a travel hat (not just for Ethiopia, but for travel in general), and some earrings that will go with everything. I also bought chocolate, but that was not on my list; it was just on sale.

And I feel better. Life is rolling along again, and that feels good. I don't feel like I'm holding my breath and just waitingwaitingwaitingwaiting. When the call comes, it will come. When the e-mail hits my inbox indicating yes or no for one baby in particular, I will read it, and I will yelp in excitement or accept what is meant to be. In the meantime, I plan to enjoy myself.

Say It Out Loud. I Dare You.

2010-05-22T15:13:00.006-04:00

It is easy, when I am driving home from a morning's errands with a toddler, to purpose to work out while my young charge is napping. I have, after all, done it many times before. I can do it today! I don't know why I keep convincing myself of these things--it's not unlike my overly ambitious to do lists--but I am certain by the time I get home that I will work out. I will! Today I put the toddler to bed, changed into my workout gear, got out the exercise mat, moved the necessary furniture, and got all the way through the very first warm-up move before I realized that I wasn't just tired, I was so tired that I could cry for no reason, and standing mountain climbers are no way to go down. I turned off the DVD and showered instead.

It's been happening a lot lately--the donning of the workout wear, only to fold it neatly in a stack minutes later, reserved for another day when I can actually get through my workout. I could blame a lot of things for this. I could detail my schedule for the past two weeks, or even the past two days, and you'd get bored but get the idea. It's just that it's not only that. There are so many things up in the air right now. There are answers I don't have. When I am well rested, it is easier to let go. When I am exhausted, it's easy to get frustrated.

I'm exhausted.

All week we've spoken quietly to close friends of the baby whose information we may or may not get to review. I say things like, "Really, either way it's going to be fine. If she's our baby, we will be so happy, but if she's not, it's better for various reasons, many of them financial." And all of that is true. I talk about how she's probably not our baby and how that's okay and there will be another baby, and that's true, too. But it's also true that I really want this baby, and I'm afraid to say it out loud. I'm afraid to say out loud, "We want her. We would sign on the dotted line in a heartbeat if we got her file. We want her." We want her, we want her, we want her. And I know that it would be the absolutely wrong thing to criticize families who make their adoption decisions for different reasons than we do, and I know that it would be hypocritical to judge a family for double checking a medical file. We, too, have a short list of things we cannot handle (or, rather, that we choose not to handle because we are given the luxury of making that choice). But with this baby, it's hard because we don't even know (nor should we) if the other family was open to special needs at all. A part of me feels like it would be incredibly unjust for a family who wanted a "healthy" baby to have the first look at her information. I know that is terrible and horrible and selfish, but there it is. We want her. I've said it out loud. If that jinxes everything, if we are never allowed to adopt a baby because I dared to say out loud what I really thought and wanted, well, I guess that's just the way it is.

And did I mention that I'm so exhausted I could cry for absolutely no reason?

I really, really could.

(Send cookies.)

Change It Up

2010-05-19T21:32:00.002-04:00

After making key lime cupcakes for (one of my) book club(s), I got it in my head that I should make a key lime cookie. I imagined it would be fairly dense and coated in confectioner's sugar, much like a Russian tea cake. I was absolutely convinced that I'd seen a recipe like this somewhere, but I searched the entire internet (well, almost) and found only cake-y, flat cookies with lime glaze. Since I wanted to make Russian tea cakes anyway, I figured I'd just try out a recipe, and if it worked out, I'd use it as a base for key lime cookies. On the first try, the recipe I used was declared very good (thanks, Losties), so tonight I set to work turning into something limey. And it was a cinch. Are you ready for my revolutionary recipe changes that turn a nut cookie into something refreshing and citrusy? Here you go:

1. Swap the vanilla for three-ish tablespoons of fresh lime juice (I didn't measure, so, uh, sorry).
2. Add a touch more flour to adjust for the extra liquid. (I just rounded my measuring cups a bit instead of leveling them off.)
3. Swap the chopped nuts for two to three tablespoons of lime zest--or four if you're feeling tangy.

That's it. Bake as directed. The cookies will be a bit softer than the nut version (in which I use pecans, by the way, as I feel they are superior to walnuts), but hold together well and taste fantastic.